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Last Night, Myself and BFW Won $5000 For Being Barstool's Biggest Morons, And Here's How I Plan On Spending It

Last night, Brandon and I won $10,000 between the two of us. I am officially rich; my grandkids' kids now will be financially secure for the duration of their lives. This is how we did it - Brandon texted me picks and I said "sounds good, lock it up" - I'm sure he hasn't shut up about it, but I don't necessarily think he should, either - the dude was WHITE hot and I don't know dick about basketball. We rode his picks like we were an NFL team just giving the ball to a RB 24 straight times to eventually score a touchdown. 5 yard gain here, 5 yard gain there the BOOM, pay dirt.

Thanks for the win Brandon, you fucking twat.

But now that I have $5000 dollars more today than I did yesterday, here's how I plan on spending it:

Fried Food, Pizza and Booze

Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.

Fried food, pizza and booze are the shit and that's a fucking fact. There's NOTHING better than fried food, pizza and booze. They make up roughly 90% of my caloric intake which is crazy to think about considering I'm built like DK Metcalf and have a genetic makeup handcrafted by god himself. Now that I have $5000 I will be eating fried food and pizza while pounding booze even more regularly. It's going to be heavenly. Fuck you

Gambling (responsibly)

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After I'm done spending money on fried food, pizza and booze, I will continue to gamble (responsibly). No bullshit, I am the hottest I've ever been. Oregon just covered by about a billion with that hit I believe I am now 20-10 so far in March Madness bets. Not too shabby. Some of you are wondering "how?" and I will tell you and be completely transparent about it - watch the video below

I tried to tell Dave (who was doing an interview in the most random corner of the bar possible) so I didn't get crucified for hiding a "guy" from him. I got this dude DM'd to me prior to the weekend and he's been red hot:

Dave shooed me away though and if he didn't, he'd be red hot too. What I'm getting at is this; this $5000 will be turned into $5,000,000 via this guy by the end of the tournament. I will be rich as fuck and probably buy Penn National Gaming myself if I feel so inclined to do so once I clean up through this guy. It just so happened that Brandon and this guy had the same picks like 90% of the time. Lucky us! 

A Guitar

Giphy Images.

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I've been taking guitar lessons for a while now but I just have a shitty electric Fender that was $300 or so. Bought it as a starter guitar and now I want to upgrade to a nice ass acoustic. I got a new music podcast that we just interviewed Marc Roberge on and him and I are going to rip it up on a world tour together soon. 

And that's it. That's all I'm going to spend my money on. Nobody else will see a cent of it because it's mine and mine only. Eddie, Carl and Chief are already kissing ass looking for me to cover bar tabs and shit like that. Nope! Fuck out of my face. They should have thought about that when they were randomly assigned their partners for moron madness. It's their fault they stink at handicapping things that are completely out of their own control.

To conclude, I want to say fuck you to everyone. I'm rich now and being rich automatically makes you cooler, better looking and better than everyone around you. That's just a stone cold fact. 

(real talk thank you to Brandon for getting really fucking hot, I had nothing to do with us winning. The $5,000 will be spent very poorly. Can't wait to make decisions I regret with it.)