I WANT YOU INSIDE ME- Don't Fear The Ripper (Rutt's Hut)
For those who were not aware, Barstool's beloved Frank The Tank was in the hospital earlier this week after complications with an abscess brought on by cellulitis.
If you think "an abscess brought on by cellulitis" sounds terrible, you should thank whatever God you pray to that you've never seen one. For some ungodly reason, my good friend Coach Duggs sent both Clem and me a picture of said abscess, and I have not been able to maintain an erection since.
Out of respect for Frank, I immediately destroyed any and all copies of those pictures, but to sate the curiosity of some of the less squeamish readers, I would tell you it was reminiscent of the lesion on the dying triceratops' tongue in that first Jurassic Park movie.
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I am glad to report that Frank is out of the hospital, and although my wife had checked-in on him by phone, it is tough to say whether or not his stay was pleasant because you know Frank The Tank… He's not one to complain…
So if you can now move on from the thought of hospitals and abscesses, I will get to the subject of this week's blog.
I thought to honor and possibly amuse Frank while he is on the mend, I would write about a food he adores and a local place where he likes to get it. Something that has become an iconic dish within the state of New Jersey and a dish that Frank has called both a "Grand Slam" and "The GOAT"… The Ripper at Rutt's Hut in Clifton, NJ.
The frankfurter at Rutt's is a long and slender mix of beef-and-pork in a casing made of sheep intestine that is deep-fried until that casing POPS! open or "rips"… Ergo the name "ripper".
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The dogs themselves are made in nearby Carslstadt, NJ by a company called Thumann’s.
Normally, I wouldn't review something as simple as a hot dog, and this whole ripping schtick may seem goofy, but it really is amazing the way that hot oil curls the edges of the torn casing and then also crisps the surface of the exposed meat beneath… And all that crisping creates a tremendous amount of texture that you just can't replicate cooking a hot dog any other way.
Now maybe deep frying a natural casing dog is not a culinary milestone.
When you think about it, it was probably more of an eventuality… At some point, some lazy short-order cook with a filthy apron was bound to cut corners on grilling time and simply toss his dogs into nearby hot oil. But we're still very lucky it happened, and Rutt’s Hut continues to make it happen with the all right ingredients.
For instance- If this was done with one of those thin Nathan’s franks, the oil would overpower the surface area, and the frank would probably curl up and die.
And if this was done with one of those disgusting skinless franks, we wouldn’t get those off-setting textures.
And if this was done with a vegan dog, then we would all grow vaginas.
The only upgrade Rutt's could implement (but they won’t) would be to elevate the otherwise forgettable bun they use because the homemade condiments are top notch and whatever Thumann’s puts inside their casing is delicious… And I say "whatever" because let’s face it, we suspend belief or at least “hope-for-the-best” every time we bite into a hot dog.
I’m sure the FDA has done wonders regulating what can or can’t go into your average weiner, but that old adage still lurks in the back of my mind whenever I order one…
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“Frankfurters are made of nothing more than ground up pigs' lips and assholes.”
Which isn’t true… BUT IF IT IS TRUE… Then Rutt’s Hut in the non-scenic side of Clifton, NJ serves up the tastiest deep fried lips and assholes on the planet.
For people visiting Rutt's for the first time, I have some tips:
1) If you look at other reviews or travel guides, the restaurant is often described as “no-frills”… Which means the place is a fucking dump. But I will tell you that it is a clean dump. Still, set your expectations low if you are craving "ambiance."
2) Due to COVID restrictions, you still can't eat indoors, so since you're now getting shit to-go, consider eating it in the parking lot with 90% of the rest of their customers as opposed to taking it on a 15 minute food-softening drive home.
3) After you order, they give you the opportunity to dress your ripper with mustard, ketchup, or relish before they take the dog back from you to wrap it in paper… But since you are now smart enough to be eating only 15 feet away on the hood of your car, make sure you tell them instead to leave the dogs unwrapped on a paper plate.
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4) The staff (such as the young vixen above with her back turned to me) may seem like they don't like you, but that is only because they don't like you… If you are looking to make friends, try J-Date.
5) The relish is homemade. It is sweet with a mustard base and OUTSTANDING (if you like relish)… It sits in a aluminum covered dish next to the register with the other condiments… I highly recommend it.
6) I would recommend the onion rings over the fries any day of the week, but neither are worth the digestive real estate, IMHO… Same goes for the burgers.
7) However, I would give their chili a try (no beans), but only if you don’t have plans later that day because there is a 70/30 chance you’ll be shitting shoestrings within a couple of hours.
(The oil on top is Vitamin C.)
8) The place is CASH ONLY but you don't need to bring a ton of it because I just fed a family of 5 for $47… I couldn't get all the food we ordered in one frame PLUS my kid was holding another box with a couple of more items and 5 drinks.
9) The "Large" sized soft-drinks are actually tiny, but the tap beers are ice cold.
10) They sell something called "The Cremator", which is more of a mistake than anything else… It's a hot dog that was left in the fryer WAAAY too long.
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I guess it might appeal to the very-well-done steak crowd, but where the inside of a ripper looks like this…
(crispy outside, but still juicy and flavorful in the center… and there's a shot of that sweet-ass relish)
While the inside of a cremator looks like this…
("BOOOOO!"… hot dog-flavored charcoal)
So my ideal order at Rutt's Hut is 2 Rippers with mustard and relish, a cup of chili (no beans) and a Miller High Life… That's the order that makes me say…
It is suicide for someone to review a dish and then attach a video of SOMEONE ELSE reviewing that same dish, but as I mentioned above, I may love this dog, but Frank The Tank fucking ADORES it, so here's his "Raw Dogging" review…
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And I implore you to support everything else Frank creates here at Barstool, which you can find through this link.
Get well soon, Tank… The Ripper is certainly great, but in the hot-dog game, you're the only GOAT.
IWYIM.
-Large
As is the case every week, Grubhouse on Clubhouse starts today at 2 PM… Myself, Clem, and Coach Duggs will be chatting about everything you need to know about what life is like after you've given up physically.
For example: Would you?…
As a reminder, CLUBHOUSE is a FREE app on iPhones only (for now) BUT you need an invite after you sign up.
And finally, here is your weekly…
FOOD CALENDAR
Today, Friday, March 19th- National Chocolate Caramel Day
Saturday, Mar 20th- National Corn Dog Day (Third Saturday of Every March) AND National Ravioli Day
Sunday, Mar 21st- National Crunchy Taco Day
Monday, Mar 22nd- National Crepes Day
Tuesday, Mar 23rd- National Chip and Dip Day
Wednesday, Mar 24th- National Cheesesteak Day
Thursday, Mar 25th- International Waffle Day
Friday, Mar 26th- National Spinach Day
Act accordingly.
-L