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(VIDEO) John Oliver Nailed These Extremely Specific Predictions From Three Years Ago About How The Royal Family Would Hate Meghan Markle

Handout. Getty Images.

Fun fact is I'm actually a huge Royal Family guy - or as much as I suppose I can be given my age, citizenship, etc. You might know this from last week when I selected Corgi in the 5th round of our dog breed draft. Part of my explanation is that Corgi have been in the Queens service for decades. Good enough for her = Good enough for me. I also got sucked into The Crown like most of you and long before did a could of deep adderall dives into the royal family wikipedia pages while I should have been preparing for a CPA exam. Blame me for having a profound appreciation for the historical implications of fading imperialism amidst the industrial revolution & emerging global, religious conflicts. 

But what about a Constitutional Monarchy? 

This is all unnecessary background because really all I want to do is get to the point where I can show you the John Oliver clip from 3 years ago when he basically called this entire saga word for word. Not so illuminating now that we've had Netflix to support his theories but pretty dead on balls accurate if you ask me. 

Alarmingly true in hindsight but also sad because honestly deep down Harry and Meghan are just two young people trying to fuck and keep it honest. I'm not even talking a big game here either. I'm literally just saying that when two young attractive people want to have sex and live intimately, they should be able to have that right. This isn't a global overhaul in human rights this is literally just acknowledging the scientific power of attraction between two adult crotches. And yet the famous faces and names of the historic British Royal family cease to accept these facts so they push out the next generation in what can only be described as truly a heart wrenching falling out. 

Told you guys I liked this Royal Family shit

But honestly what more can I say that hasn't been perfectly covered. Bad blood. Crazy family. Tons of conspiracies. Not built for the 21st century which may be a function of form over substance but I digress. 

Right now what I'd like to do is focus on families that could potentially replace the Windsors should the whole thing come crashing down and we need some new blood on the throne. I don't think anyone is actually preparing for this but it never hurts to get a list going early.

In No Particular Order: 

1. King Ralph

I think it's an underrated movie even with Ralph being a Packers fan. And just a generally funny concept that they'd need to dip their toes in American blood to replace the crown. Also not a bad softball swing. In the event you haven't seen this movie chances are the trailer does just fine.

2. Michael Jordan


Let's stay in America for another minute and just agree that His Airness has always deserved a throne. Maybe things get weird when we figure out the international transition but really the British Crown has been global for so long that I think we can mix in an MJ for a little bit. That and he truly is royalty in every sense of the word to me. Probably the closest thing our world has to a universal, uniformly celebrated King and that's not a joke. 

3. Dave

If you think I'm doing a list of power brokers and not including Dave Portnoy then boy oh boy do I have a fucking bridge for you. There's virtually nothing he can't turn around so if you're telling me The Crown is down, I'm telling you Dave can reverse the traction. Imagine the next DPS with Prince William breaking down a transition of power. Instantly Glenny Balls would be the Duke of Hamburg or some shit. Tell me that doesn't sound awesome. 

4. Idris Elba


Stringer Bell is probably one of the most intimidating, intelligent, ferocious and ruthless bad guys of my television life. I can't imagine a more forward thinking guy to get the British Monarchy's branding and imagining back in the streets. You don't fuck with The Crown when you know Idris Elba is wearing it that's all I'm saying.

5. Emma Watson

Chris Allerton. Shutterstock Images.

I've always enjoyed her work. I find her to be delightful. Who doesn't love Emma Watson? Honestly find me a person willing to talk shit about Emma Watson and I'll show you an awful person. 

6. Lee Westwood

He's never won a major but the barrel chested Englishman has such a beautiful blend of body rotation and rhythm. Arguably the best tempo on the European Tour but I'm not trying to start a fight. Big argument is he's never won a major championship but personally I love the impact that has on his ego in a leadership role. You don't need Sir Nick Faldo getting all pissed off because a footman forgot how many strokes he was down en route to the '90 Masters comeback. That's why I like Westwood. All smiles with a game that plays across every course. Tell me he wouldn't look fancy AF in a big crown. 

7. Sir Ian McKellen

Giphy Images.


If you have a problem with Sir Ian McKellen as the King of England than you just have a big dump in your pants. 

8. Judi Dench OR Maggie Smith

Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.

I need some older blood on the board so I'm taking two women that I absolutely LOVE. And I want them packaged as one leadership group just in case someone needs to take some extra rest. I'm mindful of their age and experience, which is why I want them as dual-queens so bad. 

Judi Dench basically owned the shit out of James Bond. Slapped him around left and right. 10 steps ahead and kept him on his leash. You don't get cooler than basically having James Bond brainwashed to be your own personal assassin. Maybe. 

And then there's Maggie Smith who is a tier-1 funny actress amongst many other tier-1 designations. But generally speaking I think she brings more laughing punch to the big and small screen than nearly any other actress on my mind. She legitimately dominates each and every scene with her demeanor. 

Take them together and you probably have the most formidable Queen partnership in recorded human history. You also have the instant support of the people unless I have completely missed the mark on these two sweet ladies. I don't think I have but I'm sure there's glaring omissions from my list. 

As such, please use the comment section below to provide qualified and professional feedback. It is always very much welcome on my blogs.