The CDC Released The Least Helpful Guide Imaginable On How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

(FOX) - broke down some of the famous prophecies of Nostradamus, a French physician best known for his book Les Prophéties, which allegedly predicted future events. One of the predictions is that 2021 will be the year that a zombie apocalypse will take over...

He predicted that a Russian scientist will allegedly create a biological weapon and produce a virus that can turn humankind into zombies, making humans extinct in the near future.

The CDC says you should prepare for a zombie takeover the same way you would any natural disaster. 

The first thing you'll need is an emergency kit, which should consist of: 

  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies

If zombies did start roaming the streets, the CDC says they are ready to respond with technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation.

If this last year has taught us a goddamn thing, it's that we - as a society - have absolutely ZERO fucking shot at surviving a zombie apocalypse. We couldn't sit still and watch tv for a month, you think more than a handful of us are going to outsmart hoards of the undead marching door to door? Not a chance. And after reading the CDC's little blog post about helpful tips and tricks to outlast the walking dead, I genuinely have to question whose side they're even on anymore. Did a zombie write this? Because this is the type of advice I would expect from someone who recently died. The fuck am I gonna do with a passport when my neighbor is gnawing on my scalp? 

Luckily, for you fine people, I am here to correct this and give you actual advice you can take to the bank. The bank will not understand why you brought them a list of tips and tricks to survive the eternal winter of the cold undying. Hell, the teller will probably demand you vacate the premises posthaste. They're a money store, you go in there talking about anything but dollars and cents they act all weird and start pushing silent alarms and shit. But that's a different story for another day. Back to the list you and your family can reference at any point in between boarding up your windows and crying yourself to sleep.

1. Gun(s)

Talk about the CDC setting the masses up to fail. They never once mentioned a gun. Not even by accident. A more helpful survival pamphlet would've just been a long list of different types of guns. Trekking into a zombie apocalypse sans gun is like walking into the ocean carrying your favorite cinderblock. 

2. Surround Yourself with Extremely Slow, Large, and Old People

This is about survival first and foremost. You don't have to know these people personally. Much like being chased by a bear, you don't need to be the fastest or strongest, you just can't be the slowest. Plus, in the off-chance these people become zombies in the middle of the night, they'll be easy to defeat. Get some practice pushing people down until the apocalypse strikes so you're primed and ready. 

3. Just Succumb

Honestly it seems like a fucking nightmare attempting to survive and outlast this shit. Every single piece of zombie media that has ever existed looks exhausting. And for what? To be tasked with rebuilding society? No thank you. And I don't know why, but the people who become zombies early seem to handle it a lot better. Like the original zombies always have all their limbs and nothing more than some tinted yellowish skin and some open wounds. You get turned into a zombie a few months later and you've got a pack of zombs tearing you limb from limb, eating up every last ounce of your soul. Again, I can't stress enough how obvious it is that we've got no shot against the zombie army. Better join the winning team sooner than later. I missed out on Bitcoin, I'm not missing out on being one of the top zombies.