'Call Him Papi' Episode 1: The Most Comprehensive David Ortiz Interview of All Time Premieres Today at 12pm ETTUNE IN

Are All The Buttons On A Microwave Just A Myth?

-I’m pretty sure all buttons on a microwave do the same exact thing. Cook, reheat, pizza, express cook, defrost. It doesn’t matter what you press, they all just heat up the food.

-Getting something for free or paid for can be worse because you then can’t always get what you actually want. A classic example is going to dinner with your friend’s family and they say they’re going to pay. And then your menu options are immediately limited. No ribeye for Tommy tonight. I’m stuck with a god damn chicken club sandwich. And that’s not being unappreciative, I’d just rather pay for myself and get what I want. 

-A sign of a truly terrible historic person is when they single handedly take a first name out of circulation. Don’t see too many little Adolfs or Judas’ running around. 

-If I ever become a mayor of a moderately sized town, I know I would have a real struggle understanding what my powers actually are. I’d be trying to lead us into wars and lower taxes when in reality, I think I just decide what days the garbage gets picked up

-Current problem I’m dealing with: I really like to sleep with white noise. The sound of my AC fan is perfect and comforting. But it’s been too cold to have on lately because then I wake up freezing. I just can’t decide if it’s worse to be freezing or be alone in deafening silence. 

-If you spell your name or nickname uniquely, then you lose privileges to complain about people spelling it wrong. They didn’t spell your name wrong. You spell your name wrong. 

-I feel like Quentin Tarantino should have directed The Usual Suspects. 

-This is me if I was a waiter (please see video for the impression): “Hey guys, how’s it going tonight? My name’s Tommy, I’ll be your waiter and I hope friend for the evening. Can I get you guys started off with something to drink, maybe some appetizers?” 22% tip. 

Thank you for your time. 

(Special thanks to Adam Ferrone for executive producing today's episode)