Leave Auston Matthews' Hairline Alone!
Kevin Sousa. Getty Images.Auston Matthews is a man on a mission this season. 20 games played. 18 goals. 31 points. The dude is dialed the fuck in this season.
Now this is something that has been plaguing the human psychology since the dawn of time. As soon as somebody starts to have a little success, those without that same level of success attempt to tear that person down. It's nothing in particular that person has done, it's just the fact that they are doing well in life and some people are just hardwired to be jealous of that success. And rather than work to achieve that same success themselves, they find it easier to bring that person down to their level. I believe we refer to these people as "haters" these days. And would you like to know who is a hater?
Advertisement
All you sacks of shit who are being mean about Auston Matthews' hairline this season, that's who.
Advertisement
I mean what the fuck is this all about? If there were one group of people in the world who I think deserve to be hateful towards Auston Matthews right now, it would be NHL goaltenders specifically in the North Division. He's been wreaking havoc on their lives. They deserve to let off a little steam and come at the man's SLIGHTLY receding hairline.
But everybody just sitting on the couch watching on TV? What has Auston Matthews ever done to you?
You're not mad at Auston's hair. You're mad at yourself. And the only way you can express those feelings is by being ugly and hateful towards a man who has done nothing besides light the lamp a billion times and still has another billion to go. Now if you want to be mad at Auston Matthews for making jersey numbers in the 30s cool for forwards, then I'm here for it. There's going to be an entire generation of young hockey players now rocking 34 because of him, and that is worrisome. But a somewhat receding hairline? You're just peanut butter and jealous.
Advertisement
P.S. - Will Ny The Top Shelf Guy.