Three Things You Never Want On Your Flight: Crying Babies, Smelly Fat People, And An Engine On Fire


Gotta disagree with that caption a little bit. I'd put a crying baby as the last thing I want on my flight. When a baby is just going ballistic, screaming bloody murder, and there's nothing the mom or dad can do to shut the thing up, it's the worst possible scenario in the world. You want to strangle the parents but it's (usually) not their fault, you want to strangle the baby but you aren't allowed to do that anymore since 9/11, and you want to strangle yourself but your rope is in your checked bag under the plane. A crying baby on a plane is the worst of the worst.

Second worst is obviously sitting next to a smelly fat person. When their odor is a strong as an ox, and their fat is piling over and under the armrest into your personal space, it becomes an absolute hell ride of a flight. All you want to do is watch a movie and get some sleep but you have a 450 pound goliath of a human to your right, breathing like he just climbed Mt. Everest, but all he did was fasten his seatbelt. Tortue.

And then finally, the 3rd worst thing, an engine being on fire. You've survived the baby. You've survived the fat. And now your engine is giving up, it's had enough. You begin looking around the plane, scouting out who is going to build the new society with you like on LOST. You're looking for who you'd like to become friends with, who you'd repopulate the island with, and who you'd eat first. You start thinking about your ex-girlfriend from 10th grade and how you should have been nicer to her. And you swear you'll start going to church again (but then laugh because come on, you're not doing that, no matter what). 

But hey it could be worse, both engines could be on fire. At that point you just start going to town on yourself one last time and call it a life. What, just me? Ok. Whoops. You make that mistake TWICE and they ban you from flying ever again. Load of shit if you ask me.