BREAKING: Jaromir Jagr Did NOT Spend His Birthday With A Stripper

World renowned stallion Jaromir Jagr celebrated his 49th birthday the other day. Most folks could live to be 245-years-old and they still wouldn't have truly lived as much as Jagr has during his 49 trips around the sun. The man just loves to dangle, he loves to bang out a quick set of 1000 squats every morning, and he loves to have himself a good time. And we'd have to imagine that his body count has to look something similar to the amount of days he's been alive. For all you math folks out there, that's 17,885. 

But Jaromir Jagr is starting to get a little older. I wouldn't want to say that he's starting to slow down, but he's just starting to change things up a little bit. So in typical Jagr fashion, he decided to spend his birthday in the company of a beautiful woman yesterday. But not what you think! 

Some of you out there might not be able to read that caption. Lucky for you, I took 3 years of Czech in high school and most definitely didn't just google "Czech to English translator". But here's what 68 had to say. 

"Thank you for your wishes, thank you for the small parties and thank you for the surprises. She was not a stripper as everyone expected 😀, but she was a quantum physicist Professor Jan Rak. And instead of the beauty of women's breasts, we talked about the beauty of the universe 😀😀😀"

Look at our king go. A quantum physicist professor. Spent the day talking about the beauty of the universe. Probably popped open a bottle of a vintage red. Call me crazy but I could see this being the one for our man. I mean I don't think Jagr could ever be fully tamed, but imagine a couple of baby Jagr's buzzing around on the international hockey scene in the next 16-18 years? I bet those babies would come out with quads the size of regular babies. They'd probably be able to bang out a set of 10 squats before the cord even gets cut. 

You know what? I think this finally made me realize how some people can get so invested in the Royal Family. Because right now Jaromir Jagr and Quantum Physicist Professor Jan Rak are my Royal Family. I need this to last. We need baby Jagr's who are rocking full blown mullets by the time they're 3. 

P.S. - These two were insane.