I just spent $4,000 reconstructing my dog’s vagina. (WARNING: GRAPHIC DOG GENITAL PHOTOS INSIDE)

It was actually $3,800, but I rounded it up for effect.  

This is a blog about my dog.

“Dogs?!?!?!... But the name of the site is Barstool SPORTS, Large.”

I realize that, but this company is also extremely pet-friendly... So much so, there is a new bag of allergens walking around our offices without a leash every fucking week... So, in lieu of bringing my own bitch in, I am going to write about her instead. 

I bought a cute little female French Bulldog puppy towards the end of last year for my wife’s birthday. 

It came from a breeder down in Oklahoma, and she cost me 3 grand. 

We named her “Blue Cheese” because of her coloring and because of the persistent odor she gave off. 

This is Blue Cheese...

Nothing extraordinary about her… She's simply a cute little French Bulldog.

Upon hearing of my purchase, some people (mostly strangers on social media) immediately called me a fool for paying so much money for a pup when there are perfectly healthy dogs being given away at the pound.  And other people I have never met called me an asshole for buying a dog when there are perfectly healthy dogs dying to not die at that same pound. 

In retrospect, both of those detractors were right, but the purchase made sense to me at the time, so I did it.  You can say, “I told you so” if you’d like… But just know that’s what assholes do. 

The reason I say they were right is fast forward 5 months from the time I picked her up at the airport (from a nameless young black courier like I was buying a kilo of cocaine), and this dog is legitimately the worst animal I have ever owned. 

And this isn’t my first rodeo… In the past 49 years I have had my fair share of ethnic dogs: a German Shepherd, an Irish Setter, a Kerry Blue Terrier, 2 English Bulldogs, a Rhodesian Ridgeback, and a Welsh Terrier… But it’s this uppity fucking Frenchie that has been the real pain in my fat American ass. 

She's impossible to housebreak, very fucking stubborn, LOVES to eat her own shit, destructive as all hell, terrible around children and other dogs, and CONSTANTLY licking her own undercarriage. 

And when I typed “CONSTANTLY” in all caps, I meant every single cap… This bitch has been going down on herself like… Well… Like how every guy reading this would probably go down on themselves if the rib-removal surgery Marilyn Manson had was covered by major insurances. 

The eating of the shit has been something we are combatting by changing her diet now already three times (each new food more expensive than the last), and the incessant licking has been something that has brought us to at least 2 different vets a total of 4 times (each visit resulting in a prescription more expensive than the last). 

She's been on meds and living in a cone off-and-on for nearly the whole time we have had her.

 "Merry Christmas!… Now take this off so I may lick myself."

This is all in just under 5 months. 

We went to a third vet just a couple of weeks ago, and he had diagnosed her with some sort of defective vagina… Or perhaps vulva… or perhaps some other lady-part… They definitely used the words "recessed" and "hooded"… But I really don’t know all the details because I felt weird talking to a grown man about it, and my wife was there listening intently.   And this newest doctor then suggested something called an “episioplasty” which could be done in conjunction with when I had my dog fixed. 

— Episioplasty (also called a "vulvoplasty") may sound like an ornamental procedure, but I assure you it is not… With the way my dog's pipes were situated, she was unable to eliminate urine properly, causing a breeding ground for moisture, discomfort, and infection. 

By no means, do I frown upon ornamental vaginal procedures… Truth be told, if a woman wanted to keep just one of her ornaments in pristine condition, the vagina would be the ornament I would recommend “gussying up”. 

A porn star friend of mine says over 60% of the women who stay in that industry for 5 years or longer have some sort of lip tuck due to the off-road mileage they put on that thing, but my dog has had almost no work in pornography (yet?) so this procedure was much less cosmetic than perhaps Jenna Jameson's first vaginoplasty. —

Stewart Cook. Shutterstock Images.

With this new diagnosis in hand, we went to yet ANOTHER vet for a second (but really fourth) opinion, and she agreed that my dog’s fucked up bottom was something that was easily misdiagnosed when she was little, but as she has more than doubled in size, her deformity has become more obvious. 

So we decided to schedule the surgery within a month’s time, and in the meantime, we tried a battery of the wipes, salves, lotions, and home remedies that people have used for problems with their own dogs’ genitals.  Problems that these people were convinced were similar to mine. 

They weren’t similar, and all of these cheaper non-invasive remedies provided my dog with little-to-no relief in the weeks leading up to her operation.  So when the time came, we went through with the procedure. 

We dropped her off at the hospital, enjoyed an afternoon with her, and got a call hours later saying she had come through surgery just fine BUT the situation in my dog’s situation was much worse than the vet had proposed, so they had to do quite a bit more work on her vagina than originally planned. 

Apparently, that extra work had a price tag attached, and when we went to pick up our pooch, there was an extra $900 attached to the already inflated $3,800 that was agreed upon before we dropped her off. 

Now, I wasn’t there when my wife went to fetch the dog from the hospital with this new bill attached. 

Truth be told, a small part of me was hoping she wouldn’t make it through the operation.  Then I could simply fake outrage at the vet’s incompetence, cancel the payment we put down already on the procedure, do a small amount of grief counseling with my family at our dining room table, and then I would have a fresh set of downs to take my kids to the pound to save a better-behaved freebie. 

But to make matters more difficult, my selfish dog survived the operation, and my wife called me from the waiting room asking my opinion on what she should do with this extra $900 bill she received upon pickup. 

I freaked out a little on the phone, and she was equally mad while at the hospital, so we both decided we would not be paying any more than the agreed-upon figure of $3,800, and if there was an issue with that then the doctors were free to keep the fucking dog… Good luck to them and good riddance to her.  

But our strong-arm tactic worked, and the extra $900 magically went away.  We got to bring her home, and when we removed the makeshift bandage/diaper she was wearing, we were met with a brutal sight…

Apparently, episioplasties are not subtle procedures… And I blocked out the center of this picture with a pink blob for no reason at all.

Here's a stranger angle…

The doctors cut some sort of semicircular moat around my dog's vulva and then either tightened-up or straightened-out whatever needed to be tightened and/or straightened.

--- And the cruddy buildup is from a cream my wife has had to apply to that area a few times a day… The reason I mention this is my dog's vagina may have been defective, but it was never dirty.--- 

On top of the fucked up schwa, she also had 6 staples in her belly from where she was fixed.

(two of those staples have already popped out)

The vet's office ensured us that the wounds were all necessary and should heal up nicely in a couple of weeks.  Until then, my dog essentially looks like a canine Frankenpussy.

ROBYN BECK. Getty Images.

Take a report.

-Large

Just a small update on some new content…

- Tomorrow (Wed, 2/17) at 4:30 PM EST, I will be joining a Wall Street buddy (and CNBC correspondent) Kenny Polcari on a new platform called Blitzr Live… 

We are going to talk about the old-school NYSE days, Italian food, being handsome, the recent success of The Barstool Fund, and whatever the fuck else we feel like chatting about… Who knows?… Maybe there will be even more talk about my dog's genitals.  

Click to register for this FREE but LIMITED SEATING event.  blitzr.com/event/2824/2236

- Podcast-wise, you can still listen to The Podfathers with Clem and me… This week we talk about the NJ mom I called a cunt last week. That will drop Wednesday AM. 

- Twisted History this week will be The Twisted History of Hockey, and Rear Admiral from the incredibly popular Spittin' Chiclets podcast will be co-hosting. 

- I will have that long-form food blog out again on Friday called “I Want You Inside Me”… This week I talk about birria tacos.  

- Also on Friday, I am going to do a Clubhouse chat show with Coach Duggs and Clem focusing on big men… Not sure what to name it yet, but might go with either 'Mount Fleshmore' or 'Grubhouse'. 

- Just shot an interview with boxer/felon Adrien Broner to discuss his return to the ring this weekend… I will put that out in a preview blog Saturday afternoon.  

- There is a push to be more visible on TikTok, so I am going to do a little more drink content on the Belly Up TikTok page, and continue to do a daily history fact on the Twisted History TikTok page… Subscribe to these pages along with my personal one, if you want a departure from potentially underage dancing girls.

TAR.

-L