Here's A List Of Ancient Egyptians I'd Like To Pound Booze With


Archaeologists have discovered a massive 5,000-year-old brewery in the ancient Egyptian city of Abydos, according to Egypt's Ministry of Tourism and Antiquities.

The brewery was located in Egypt's Sohag Governorate, and likely dates back to the reign of King Narmer, around 3100 BC, the ministry said in a statement on Saturday -- making this the oldest brewery found in Abydos.

Dr. Matthew Adams of New York University, one of the leaders of the Egyptian-American mission that made the discovery, said researchers believe the beer was used in royal burial rituals for Egypt's earliest kings. Previous excavations in the area had found evidence that beer was used during sacrificial rites.

I love the ancient Egyptians. Such a fascinating people. Just think about it - they were in cahoots with Aliens and had them construct a bunch of pyramids that act as a galactic sundial of sorts. It doesn't get much cooler than that - unless we add a bunch of booze to the mix. That's when the Ancient Egyptian party REALLY gets started. 

It's a tale as old as time - you and I have had shit manual labor jobs. For me, it was landscaping in college. 90+ degree heat with 100% humidity working in jeans and work boots. For Ancient Egyptians, it was logging billion pound cinder blocks up steep ass steps. I'm getting the shudders thinking about it as I construct this blog in sweats on my couch. But without fail, I had that one glint of light at the end of the tunnel, and that glint of light was either a beer or 12 after work or a Friday and Saturday night with even more than that a few days down the road and thanks to science, we now know ancient Egyptians were just like us in that regard. In the end, alcohol cures all. That's a proven scientific fucking FACT.

With that said, we get to the latter part of this blog - the part where I start listing off people I'd like to get fucked up with. Actually, I take that back. I get fucked up with my boys from HS and college. I have lists of different athletes, celebrities and people from all walks of life I'd like to sit in a dive bar and lob up questions to. People like Dave Grohl and Hawk Harrelson who undoubtedly have some of the greatest stories ever. Imagine Dave and I just sitting in a bar, yucking it up, blasting away at some jams over a few beers while he tells me all of the awesome stories of him and Kurt on the road or all of the Band Aid ass he pulled (THEY'RE NOT GROUPIES) 

So, here is my list of Ancient Egyptians I'd like to get fucked up with (but totally just sit in a 5000 year old brewery and lob questions to) 

5. Xerxes - I'd let him go on his ego-trip about how he thought he was a Devine being that had a right to rule the entire world before he inevitably took one too many shots of whiskey and he broke down in tears about how he was a fraud the whole time and ate a face full of Grecian fists. Once his insecurities started spilling out, I'd like to ask him one question: "why are you such a cunt?" 

Seriously dude just stick to the Middle East and leave the rest of the world out of your bullshit. You have the Fertile Crescent and Nile river valley, what more do you need? Go fuck yourself, asshole. 

I'm sure this convo would go smoothly. 

4. King Tut - he was only 10-12 years old when he was Egypt's Pharaoh apparently. If he is going to learn how to booze properly and responsibly (wink wink), he should be taught by the best. That best is WSD aka Cowboy aka "the 91MPH fastball". Then I'd prolly get way too hammered and call him a pussy for dying when he was only 20 year old and getting mummified like a bitch, most likely resulting in a fight aka me pounding his face in because HS kids can't handle their alcohol without fighting. Fuck King Tut. 

3. King Amenhotep III - this would be a complete networking move by me, even though I don't actually have much respect, if any, for King Amenhotep III. I mean the guy knew everybody; was a great diplomat and had allies all over the place. He never sought out war, he sought out peace. People, in general, loved him. I'd think he was a soft cunt for not doing whatever he could to take over the world because taking over the world sounds awesome, but that would be a thought in the back of my head. It wouldn't be something I'd say out loud, at least not at first. Our convo would be him talking about progressive values and diplomatic existence between nations and all that boring stuff, and the entire time I'd be thinking to myself, "yo this guy sucks dude. How long do I have to pretend to be his friend for before someone sacrifices him to the gods and a leader with nuts takes over?" 

Those conversations are the WORST. 

2. The Aliens who built the pyramids - now that it's clear that ancient Egyptians and Aliens were in cahoots with each other, I'd love to get fucked up with the aliens who constructed the pyramids. I know what you're thinking: "But WSD you fat illiterate, the Aliens didn't actually build the pyramids, they just forced slaves to build them!" and to that I say "yeah, no shit. But the aliens provided the blueprints for them and lead the entire project you fucking twats!" 

Sure, they're not exactly "Egyptian", per se, but they're close enough and have enough answers to the universe where I think I could profit off the confidential knowledge they'd undoubtedly spill to me after I butter them up with a few Jameson shots and stories about HS baseball. I'd have infinite wealth at the snap of a finger.

1. Cleopatra - This is a layup for number 1, but I only want to get drunk with her because I want to have sex with her. That's it. That's all there is to it. She'd obviously turn me down to be with a man that's taller, leaner, richer and more powerful than I am, but I think me being from the future at least gives me a shot. I would play the "the Romans were a bunch of assholes" card and tell her that she was a great leader in spite of her surrendering her empire to them, even though I'd be lying to her face. Just massage that egotistical part of her female emotion before she inevitably drinks too much, starts crying, tells me I'm SUCH a good guy, doesn't cover an ounce of the tab even though she's got way more money than me, and takes an Uber to her ex-BF's house after the bar instead of mine, while I go home and play Call of Duty in my boxer briefs and pass out with a dip in my mouth.  But still - I really do think I'd have a shot. 

And that was talking Ancient Egyptians.