Barstool’s Gold Cup Recap: FIRE EVERYONE

Sam's Army7/24/2015 8:22 PM

Sam’s Gold Cup Recap: FIRE EVERYONE

Sup y’all,

I needed a few days to “process” what I watched on Wednesday (read: stop throwing shit) before putting metaphorical pen to paper, so now that things have calmed down it’s time to have a frank discussion about the state of US Soccer.

For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, (a) you probably shouldn’t be reading this, and (b) the USMNT lost 2-1 to Jamaica in the semi-final of the Gold Cup.

After several days to calm down and think about the USMNT’s performance throughout the Gold Cup – consisting of a shitty win over Honduras, a shittiest win over Haiti, a shittier draw with Panama, a meaningless win over the handful of Cubans who had yet to defect, and an embarrassing loss to Jamaica – here is my preliminary conclusion:

FIRE EVERY-FUCKING-BODY!

Jurgen, and his “sum timez deez sings happin in zoccer” ass, can gtfo.

The forwards and midfielders, who could muster ONE GOAL against this goalkeeper, can gtfo.

The defenders, who all STOOD AROUND and watched one Jamaican guy score, can gtfo.

And Brad Guzan*, who needlessly gave up what turned out to be a CRUCIAL free kick, can gtfo.

[*Dumb play by Guzan but in all my decades of playing/watching soccer I have only seen that called one other time… and if someone said a linesman who calls a handball on that should be summarily executed for being a power-hungry asshole, I would not argue with them.]

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Phew. Glad I could get that off my chest. I feel better now. Now let’s pretend we’re all adults here and have a frank discussion about what transpired, and whether it means US Soccer is on the right path. Let’s try this Q&A style since you people seem to like those…

On a scale of (1-100) how big of a disaster was the loss to Jamaica?
In terms of worst losses in USMNT history, there is simply no comparing a Gold Cup loss to a World Cup loss, with the 1998 loss to Iran in the group stages being far and away the “most disappointing” loss that I’ve been around to experience.

Death to America…’s 1998 World Cup

What’s more, losing to Ghana in the 2010 WC Round of 16 and Czech Republic in opening game of WC 2006 as far, farrrr more disappointing than the one on Wednesday.

That said, this is the single worst loss outside of the World Cup the USMNT has ever suffered. Worse than 5-0 ass-whooping we got from Mexico in the 2009 GC final – (a) because it was in the final and (b) it was to Mexico who at least doesn’t totally suck – and FAR worse than the 3-2 loss to Brazil in the 2009 Confederations Cup final (which is only bad because we took a 2-0 lead before falling apart). I have seen a lot of “worst” lists over the past couple days but anybody who disagrees with me on this is dumb.

So the loss to Iran gets a 98, Ghana (WC10) gets a 96, Czech Republic (WC06) gets 94 and Jamaica gets a 91.

Were there any silver linings from the game – or tournament as a whole?
No. Not a single one.

We were the “better team” on Wednesday (and outplayed the Reggae Boyz more than we did Panama in the 1-1 draw earlier in the tournament) but only took advantage of one the five or six VERY good opportunities that came our way. That might be good enough against Haiti, but is not going to be good enough against Jamaica and don’t even get me started on what would happen to us against a middle-of-the-road World Cup opponent if we played like that.

What did we learn?
On defense, players like John Brooks and Ventura Alvarado may be the future, but they are NOT the present. (Hard to fault Klinsmann too much for giving the youngsters a trial by fire since it should benefit our future… but suffice to say, they failed this test.) The decision to leave Matt Besler at home was a poor one. Also, I assume this goes without saying, but Timothy Chandler is not good at soccer. Why JK keeps him around is beyond me.

In the midfield, Michael Bradley strung together some decent performances, which was nice to see, but let’s keep in mind that this was against a handful of Central American and Caribbean minnows. Alejandro Bedoya was poor and I have no explanation for why. Perhaps he was tired from a long club season. Kyle Beckerman has been a brave soldier but he should not see the field for the national team again.

It’s been real

Up top, I don’t even know where to start. Jozy Altidore getting sent home before the knockout stage is a horrible sign. He’s played better since coming back to MLS but took a HUGE step backwards at the Gold Cup. Aron Johansson and Gyasi Zardes are still young but missed WAY too many good chances. Clint Dempsey is going to be an AARP member by the time the WC18 rolls around.

Why is it not time to panic?
The squad on the field for the Gold Cup may have very little to do with the team that gets trotted out for the CONCACAF hexagonal (WC qualifying) in the fall of 2016, let along WC18. In retrospect, it would have been a perfect opportunity to see more of players like Jordan Morris [injured] and especially Bobby Wood [club “obligations”], who had just got done creating all sorts of chances against teams like the Dutch and zee Germans. But can’t blame Jurgen for their absences. The coach’s midfield selections were okay (they simply have to play better), but his defensive pairings were gambles that – may pay off in the future – but basically cost us the game against Jamaica.

Final grades…
Jurgen Klinsmann: D-
Players (across the board): F+

Will Klinsmann get fired?
Zero chance. He is basically untouchable until the World Cup 2018. For one thing, he is making way too much money for them to buy him out. For another, ever since he was brought on he has been saying that he should be judged on our performance in the next WC, meaning that US Soccer essentially hired him with that man years to work with.

JK’s D-Day

Should Klinsmann be fired?
No. It’s fun to make jokes about tossing his ass out, but there is a reason why it is so cliché to say that “progress” does not happen overnight.

What’s next?
One-game playoff against Sunday’s winner – Mexico or Jamaica – for CONCACAF’s spot in the 2017 Confederations Cup will be played in October (with rumors suggesting it will be at the Rose Bowl in LA).

And if we lose that?
FIRE EVERY-FUCKING-BODY… FOR REALZ.

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So, yeah, the Gold Cup sucked ass… but it’s over (third place games are for poor people). More importantly, the English Premier League is now officially two weeks away from starting so at least we got that. HERE is the latest updated guide to the summer transfer window… and I’ll be coming out with a season preview (with picks) and, who knows, maybe if I have time a rejiggered guide to picking an EPL team.