For Some Odd Reason Robinhood Is Hiring A Communication Strategist Who Can Deal With A Crisis

Someone who doesn’t live on the internet like all of us is about to get absolutely honey dicked out of their gourd. Imagine applying to this job and seeing your mentions on the first day. It’s not like working for an NFL team where you can ignore the mentions. You have to be engaged. You have to respond. You have to be professional. You have got to want to quit after the first fucking day.

On top of the mean shit you’d be reading, you’d also be working for a weasel with a name like Vlad. Yuck. I will never have a boss name Vlad. I’m not Russian so fuck that. Vlad. No way. Why would I wanna work with someone who was taken to the woodshed by a Coumo? Spoiler alert: I wouldn’t.

If you’re thinking about applying for that job, done. In the words of my friend and longtime stoolie Richard Marx, hold on.