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Coronavirus Being Swabbed From My Asshole Is Distracting Me From Buying #AMC and #NOK Stock

Things are happening too fast this morning. I’m buying and trading stocks. I’m reading the news. I’m being told to smash my Buttcheeks out of my truck window in order for a front line worker to take a qtip, turn that mother fucker sideways, and stick it right up my candy ass!

The REAL bottom line is that I don’t have the time for my bottom’s middle line to interfere with my New York stock exchange bottom line! It’s Wednesday and we’re making moves that’ll supply the party funds for a post-covid darty the likes of which have never been seen.

Sure, having my asshole swabbed isn’t as bad as having something in my nose touch my brain. I hate when my eyes water! People are all worried about the pain and I dont know why. Buddy, your asshole can take MUCH more than a tiny little qtip. You could stick a dick in there with a little practice so you probably wouldn’t even notice this check happening. It’s not like they are wiggling your wiener from your too-tight wranglers and shoving the stick down the chimney of your cock, now is it? No. It’s just your Butthole which you’re being a pussy about. Open it up like the secret folder on your mom’s old computer that you used to store that Tommy Lee and Pam video in. 😎 You know the one. No. Not baywatch but you could fill a bay with just one watch if you know what I mean. Chesapeake cum. A little mouth to ass resuscitation isn’t sus at all. 

Anyway, end over. Take the test. Cash out at the right time and we’ll all be having a great time before Easter cause Covid is gonna go away soon.