The Complete End All Be All Gummy Bear Taste Test Scores And Rankings Including The Scandal Explanation
Yesterday we posted the Gummy Bear Taste Test video and people seemed to be divided into 3 camps.
1- The delusional Haribo people who think Haribo gummy bears run the show when they most certainly do not.
2- The organic space cadets that think it's Black Forrest's world and we're just living in it.
3- The people who have had the luxury of trying Albanese gummy bears and know what the real deal is. These are usually good Midwestern folk as Albanese is a local northwest Indiana family operation, but as we will get to in this blog, you might have tried Albanese without even knowing it...
Let's take a look at the scorecard for all the contestants-
Reminder, these were "BEARS" only. Straight up. No sours, sugar-coated, worms, spiders, other weird shapes none of that. Just good old fashioned gummy bears.
- "Essential Everyday Brand" - "7.8"
These were a surprising dark horse. Was not expecting a thing from these generic-looking bears but they scored a 7.8
- "Smart Sweets" - "8.3"
Tremendous gummy bear. But steep price as is everything at Whole Foods. But if you're looking to go name brand or designer this is your gummy bear.
- Yum Earth - "2"
Get these the fuck out of my face. Garbage.
- Sugarfree (Yes that's the brand) - "6.3"
Was pleasantly surprised by these. Expected them to be rubbish but weren't awful.
- Happy Yummies - 8.2 DISQUALIFIED
See below for scandal breakdown
- Haribo Goldbears- 4.9
See the video and above. Good flavor but taste like you're chewing old gum.
- Kroger - 7.9
Kroger brought the thunder. Was I shocked? No not really. My mom has been raving to me about how great a grocery chain it is since they set up shop in Massachusetts. We don't have them out in Chicago yet but my mom's word is gold so I was expecting good things from Kroger's brand and they delivered.
Trolli - 7.5
Like I mentioned in the video, Trolli is no rookie to the gummy candy game. However, they run the creepy crawler, sour, and duster gummy game. I had no fuckin clue these guys made straight-up "Classic Bears". But a twitter user put me on to them and insisted I needed to include them. So I ordered a bag and was glad I did. They don't taste like your usual gummy bear but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Great texture, great sweet flavor. Definitely worth grabbing if you see them.
Buc-ee's - 9.3 - DISQUALIFIED
See explanation below for disqualification details.
Brach's Sugar-Free - 0.4
One of the grossest things I've ever put in my mouth.
Brach's Regular Gummy Bears - 5.9
Another strange one. But not in a bad way. Every candy aficionado knows Brach's has the Easter jelly bean market on lock. These gummy bears tasted like jelly beans if they didn't have the hard shell on them. I wasn't mad at them.
Surf Sweets - 0.2
Another one of the grossest things I've ever put in my mouth. If you ever come across these things run the other way and run fast.
Market Pantry (Target Brand) - 6.7
Honestly wasn't mad at these bears. Very solid gummy. Good texture, good flavor. Solid competitor just didn't have enough to go all the way.
Brunch Club - 7.3
Like I mentioned in the video, I was expecting to (and wanting to) spit these things across the fuckin room. But I was flabbergasted to realize they were actually pretty damn good. The only issue is the flavors were mock cocktails and not traditional gummy bears so it was kind of an apples/oranges thing.
Tommy's - 2.2
By far the biggest butterface gummy bear I've ever had. Look at that bag? How sexy does it look? It looks so good you wanna fuck it. But these bears SUCKED. Just zero redeemable qualities. 2 points for the great bag design. Hard pass Tommy.
7-eleven Brand - 9.2 - DISQUALIFIED
Asia Trans (Real Name) - 3.1
These were bizarre. Weird dust all over them. Not even dust, like what would happen if you left gummy bears inside your pocket and walked around with them in there for a few days. That kinda shit all over them. And the flavors were disgusting. Spit these out real quick.
Jelly Belly - 5.2
There is a reason Jelly Belly is the king of the jelly bean world and not the gummy bear one.
Albanese ULTIMATE - 5.9
These were the definition of trying too hard. Albanese has a tremendous product. The best if we're being totally honest. Why fix something that's not broken? These "Ultimate" gummies came in a shinier bag but give me the regular bag and flavors 11 times out of 10.
365 Brand - 6.9
These were pretty damn good. The only thing was the flavor choices aren't great. All too similar and kind of cough syrupy after a while.
Caveat- had we allowed any gummy candy to participate in this contest then 365 Brand's Gummy Stars would have won in a landslide. These are the best candy in the game. No if's and's or but's about it. I am convinced they put crack into their formula to make these things. You can blow through an entire package without blinking and fork over another $5 for another one.
Kiss Me Keto Brand Gummy Bears - 0.0
Absolutely the worst thing I've ever tasted. And I've tried Rocky Mountain Oysters.
These things were disgusting. If this is what the keto life is about then I am happy to be out. Horrendous product.
Black Forest Organic Gummy Bears - 8.6
Black Forest Gummy Bears play. Phenomenal flavor (100% real fruit juice they claim), amazing soft texture, great size, and great packaging. Well rounded gummy bear. These were far and away my favorite bears until the ultimate champion came into my life…
Albanese Gummy Bears - 9.5 WINNER
When you're looking for the best of the best of something, chances are you’ll find true quality in small, family owned operations that take pride in what they do. Not giant manufacturing conglomerates. As is the case in circumstances it’s no different when it comes to gummy bears.
The small family owned Albanese operation out of northwest Indiana is putting out a product so quality it dusted the floor with the rest of the competition.
We’re talking a flavor profile comprised of 12, count them twelve, all natural flavors.
A texture not too soft but definitely not hard and chewy. Absolutely perfect.
Their gummies are SO GOOD in fact, that three other brands that people raved to me about, and that I thought upon first taste were amazing. Until I looked closer…
And boy was I glad I did…
I laid my accusation out in the video and asked for an explanation. Luckily the
A rep with the company reached out to explain that they sell their gummies wholesale sometimes in 5lb bags (duh, I’ve bought a hundred of them) and that companies will sometimes repackage of them in their own.
How is that legal?
Even more so why would you do that if you had the best product in the game?
They applauded me for noticing the “A” on the belly as their signature and said anytime you see that you know it’s theirs. So word to the wise for those of you that have been sleep walking all these years thinking your gas station brand gummy bears are out of this world.
I asked for some further details and for permission to bring my boys Eddie, Carl, Chief, and White Sox Dave to the factory for a tour and to shoot a video. They said they’ll let me know after Covid restrictions relax… so standby.
All in all this was a great contest. Hopefully for the next End All Be All Taste Test we do I can get to use the one camera man we have here in Chicago instead of Zoom. Or as one commenter called it, a “potato”.
p.s. - there's apparently a good amount of people that haven't read the famous Haribo Sugar Free Amazon review. Pure gold.