What If Michael And Holly Stopped By The Rosebud Hotel in Schitt's Creek After Getting Lost On Their Way To Colorado?

If you're like most people my age or near my age, you've spent the last several years completely intertwined in a late-night ritual that involves turning on Netflix, selecting the Office, and having that masterpiece narrate you to sleep like a network TV version of the Calm App. In the last 3 years, Schitt's Creek has slowly seeped into that same type of nightly viewing. I noticed my wife and I switching to Schitt's Creek in place of the Office over the last six months. Now that The Office is only on Peacock for streaming, my promise to you the reader is that I will never log into Peacock at night. I might do it during the daytime or something, but night? No chance. The Office being only on Peacock truly feels like a changing of the nighttime guard. What if our two favorite shows acted like a real changing of the guard and they had to meet in person for the shifts to actually end. How would that go? Thank you for asking. 

In the Late Night Streaming World, sitcoms are considered especially precious. On Roku and Apple TV devices, the dedicated streamers who watch these celebrated tales are members of an elite squad known as the Special Streaming Unit. These are their stories. 

After driving away from Scranton while still a little bit damp from the overhead showers being activated by the candles in the back room of the office, Michael and Holly begin their journey. The journey was both literal and figurative.

The road from rural Pennsylvania all the way to Colorado is as long and winding as the Colorado itself. Talkin rivers, folks. The road's distance doesn't matter; only the company thereon does. With her hands placed firmly on the wheel and bobbing her head like Ms. Piggy when she's happy, Michael says to Holly,

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The Lovers, the Dreamers, and us."

They begin to sing.

Holly looks over at Michael and smiles. She grabs Michael's hand, slightly bites her lip, and water begins to build in her eyes. Sometimes our most important relationships are ones we didn't expect. As she sets the car into cruise control, Holly can't help but to think that her life suddenly feels like it's in cruise control too. After years of failed relationships where previous partners didn't match her intensity or sincerity, she's starting to realize the words of longtime stoolie Rachel McAdams from the hit movie Wedding Crashers is true. Those words? True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another. Michael is Holly's and she is his. On this drive to Colorado, they are watching the map and compass intently. As such, they know it's time to veer north on the road, but we know that nothing is more true than their love, not even North. 

Michael and Holly march to the beat of their own drum. As such, when they began this journey, they decided to do it without modern GPSs. There was no Waze. There was no Google Maps. There was only an old map, an eye patch, and two lovers speaking in pirate voices when they were discussing the route. No one would expect Michael to get things right the first time on a cross-country trip but he was adamant about being the navigator. On the road west, they ended up taking the road north and wondered slightly out of the way. Well, not slightly, I guess. They ended up in a small town in Canada. That town?

Holly reads the sign aloud but under her breath. "Welcome to Schitt's Creek Where Everyone Fits In."

"That's what she said."

Needing gas and a couple of snacks, Michael and Holly stop at Bob's Garage. It's getting late now so Holly asks Bob if there's any place to stay nearby. 

"Well, normally I'd let you stay with Gwen and me but she's still sleeping with our minister so I dont know if the guest bedroom has clean sheets."

"Oh. Well, we wouldn't want to intrude anyway. Is there a hotel or anything?"

"Hotel? Wow. Another one of these city folks. Haha I'm just pullin your chain. We have a motel called the Rose Bud Inn. It's just up the road. I can't tell you how to get there but it's going to cost you." 

"How much?"

"Haha Im just kidding. You can see it straight up there."

After arriving at the motel, Michael and Holly walk into the lobby and are greeted by Stevie. 

"Best wishes and warmest regards. Do you have a reservation?"

"No. We don't. We are just passing through. Do you have any rooms available?"

With the parking lot completely empty except for Stevie's car, Stevie looks at her computer and says, "Hmmm I'm not seeing anything. Let me check one more screen." After tapping on the spacebar over and over again with nothing happening because the computer isn't even on, Stevie says, "Ah, yes. I found one room available. It's our Presidental Suite. 

"Madam President," says Michael. "Mr. Vice President," says Holly with a grin.

"Wait. Shouldn't one of you be the first lady or first gentleman? Nevermind," says Stevie while digging the key from the drawer. You're in room 4."

"When we come back in here to check out, The Fours Will Be With You," laughed Holly.

Walking to their room, they pass Moira Rose on the small walkway.

"You look like a movie star," exclaimed Michael.

"Excuse me. Why whatever do you mean? I not only look like a star, my dear. I am a star, a star that has still yet to reach its brightest potential."

"Of course you are," said Holly. "We'll be in town for a few days. Is there anything we should check out tomorrow?"

"Who knows what will befall us tomorrow? You could be hit by a Mack truck or bopped on the head by a tiny piece of space debris. Why must you be so constantly irksome?"

"Moira, these are our guests. Let's try to treat them with that famed Rose Bud Inn hospitality, shall we?"

"Be careful, John, lest you suffer vertigo from the dizzying heights of the moral ground.” 

"Who are these people," asked David.

“David, are you a dirty peeping Tom? Why are you constantly around causing my anxiety levels to skyrocket, dear? That's no way to treat your birth giver no is it?"

"Anxiety? I'm literally just standing here."

"I'm Michael. This is Holly. And these people are your mom and dad," laughed Michael.

"Holly I am and Michael he be," said Holly in her best Yoda voice.

"What are you doing here, Alexis," David asks incredulously. 

"Oh my god, ew David. I live here. You know that, David. UHHH. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with your husband?"

"He's not my husband yet. He's my fiances and Id appreciate it if you'd let me live all of my special moments and not rush me through them but Patrick is at the store if you must know."

"I must."

"You mustn't."

"Husband? Wait, you're gay? Do you know Oscar," asks Michael absolutely beaming.

"Ew. Excuse me. Who's Oscar and why should I care about him and also, again, who are you," replies David looking grossed out. 

"Oscar from Dunder Mifflin."

"What is Dunder Mifflin? What is going on here? Is this a joke?  I feel like if this is a joke, you're in too deep."

"That's what HE said hahahhah! Do you really not know what Dunder Mifflin is? We're a long way from Kansas, Toto," said Michael.

"Who is Toto? Why are you talking about Kansas? Can this nightmare be over?"

"David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican. The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered I was playing Lady McBeth on a Crystal Skies cruise ship during Shakespeare at Sea Week," exclaimed Moira. 

"So, you are a movie star" yelled Holly.

"Being around fans can be so wearisome. I must take reprieve in the privacy of my own bed-chamber. Mr. Rose, please see that these people have whatever they need so I can have what I require…. privacy."

"I get that. Being a celebrity must be difficult. You look like you could be a movie star too," said Holly to Alexis.

"Well aren't you just a button of cuteness. Look at you. I'm not a movie star but I did release a song called Little Bit Alexis that was produced by Swiss Beatz so you might know me from that or because the tabloids were all over the fact that once I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole, like, ‘Is she gonna be a princess’ thing…um, but it’s also because Harry and I were going through this very dark phase where we were just, like, partying too hard. And, I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything' so I could see myself getting into movies for sure."

"UGH! You are so embarrassing, Stevie" said Alexis as she stormed off. 

"Was it something I said," snarked Stevie. 

The group all headed their separate ways for the evening. Michael and Holly went to their room. Alexis went to Ted's house. Johnny Rose was finishing up some paperwork while Moira and David used the motel lobby to try to make their famous enchiladas on a hot plate on the front desk. 

"I can't believe we're doing this again. I have so many better things to do. This is not my purpose and I do not love this journey for me" muttered David.

"Stop just thinking about yourself, David! Our current state of economic tribulations weren't the purpose of my Galapagonian tortoise-shell foot bath. And now some lonely hoarder is letting his cats poop in it but you dont hear me complaining, dear,"

"Yes. Yes, I do hear you complaining. Like right now. You're complaining right now. We'll never escape this. I'll die in this motel."

"That’s exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you, David. Now, just focus on folding in the cheese before it starts to smell like an expired pile of bananas. David! Oh good, now I see bubbles. David! What does burning smell like? I've forgotten again."

"Don't do this again."

"Fold in the cheese, David!"

"Stop saying that."

"JUST FOLD IT IN! FOLD IT IN! IT'S NOT THAT HARD! JUST FOLD IT IN!

Faintly and while darkness filled the room as Holly drifted to sleep, Michael softly giggles. 

The next morning, Michael and Holly decided to continue their trip to Colorado but not before stopping at Café Tropical for a tuna melt for breakfast. Twyla sets their menus in front of them and asks them if they need a minute to look over them. Michael says, "I think I'm ready to order. I wan the baby back. I want my baby back. I want my baby back. I want my baby back. Ribs. I want my babyback babyback. I want my babyback babyback babyback
I want my babyback babyback babyback. I want my babyback babyback babyback. I want my babyback babyback babyback .I want my babyback babyback babyback."

"Ha ha. No. I got it. We dont have ribs but I'll give you a minute to look at the menu."

"Thank you," said Holly while smiling at the love of her life.

When Twyla came back, Holly tells Twyla that she'll have what Johnny Rose suggested to her while they were checking in yesterday. "I'll have the full combo."

"Who told you about the full combo? There's no full combo."

"You're out of the full combo?"

"There never was a full combo."

"Twyla, did you bring back the full combo without telling me? Im the mayor for gosh sake. I should know if the full combo is back," said Roland.

"There cant be a full combo to bring back because there was never a full combo."

"That's not what we heard. We heard the full combo is what to get."

"You cant get the full combo because there's no full combo."

Johnny Rose and Moira walk in Cafe Tropical.

"Good morning, Mr and Mrs. Scott. I hope you enjoyed the late checkout. It was complimentary. Hopefully, you'll mention that on any review websites or tweeters."

"UGH! Twitter, Dad. It's twitter," said Alexis while sitting at a booth."

"Ah, yes. Twitter. Anyway, did you get the full combo like I suggested?"

"There is no full combo, Mr. Rose."

"Out of the full combo again, Twyla? I told you it was good. You've got to get here early if you want the full combo."

"Doesn't matter how early you get here. There's no full combo."

"Maybe we should stay another night just so we can get a taste of that full combo tomorrow," said Holly.

"Last time someone got my full combo, Dwight ended up with me as his Sensai."

"Karate? Oh my god. Ew. The last time I was around Karate I had just gotten back from Seoul after I was picked up by the South Korean police on New Years. I had to sweet talk the consulate’s lawyer to get me a passport by midnight. We had to escape on a private to India."

"India? Do you know Kelly Kapoor?"

"Her last name has poor in it? Ew. I doubt I know her. Where's she from, Michael."

"Dunder Mifflin in Scranton."

"Why do you keep saying those words? Dunder Mifflin like we know what that is."

"Do you even know what paper is?"

Twyla decided to choose for Michael and Holly. While they were talking to the Roses, Twyla went to the back and got some eggs, pancakes, and bacon.

"Is this the full combo" said Michael.

Defeated, Twyla looked at Michael and smiled. "Yes. This is the full combo. I hope you enjoy."

"What the heck, Twyla? So you did have more full combos back there?"

"Leave her alone, Rollie. She's trying to do her job. Thank you, Twyla."

"Well, I guess now I won't get any breakfast now that all the full combos are gone. At least Joselyn can still get some sausage later. Right, honey?"

/scene