Porn Legend Mia Malkova Fucked Around And Bought A $4 Million Porn Castle With Breathtaking Views

I'll be frank with you guys, there isn't a whole of a hell of a lot to blog about right now since all my content sources are filled with inauguration news. However, I went to the ol' trusty Blogger's Manual and it said if there is ever a story involving the headline "Porn Castle", it will get clicked. Stoolies are apparently big fans of real estate deals and based on you reading these poorly constructed sentences, the manual is right!

As for this so called porn castle, the numbers on it are simply incredible.

Porn star Mia Malkova, 28, is working from home — and by that, she means her new castle in Oregon. The $3.9 million Portland castle will serve as a filming location for adult films, which will appear on YouTube, Instagram and Twitch. Producer Eli Tucker partnered with Malkova in the purchase.

“The fact that it’s a castle — that is my favorite part — that it is themed after a castle and has a fantasy theme. It is very eccentric,” Malkova, who has 7.4 million followers on Instagram, told The Post. She said the castle will serve as a set for PG-rated geek and gaming content, but “definitely adult [content] will be shot here” too.

The 13,000-square-foot mansion has five bedrooms and five and a half bathrooms, plus classic castle-like features, including turrets, suits of armor and family crests, according to the Realtor.com listing — but that’s only the beginning of its whimsical features. 

Mia Malkova is only 28 years old? I feel like she's been in my life forever!

*Remembers my wife occasionally reads Barstool*

I mean, I can't believe a 13,000 square foot house has more bathrooms than bedrooms! Doesn't that seem strange to anyone else? I get that you want to have toilets in all different parts of your home. But making them full bathrooms with showers instead of half baths seems excessive. Chip and Joanna Gaines would never recommend more baths than beds, ain't that right guys?

Giphy Images.

Do the kids still say #GOALS because those two are my #GOALS

I'm not here to criticize Mia or her wonderful castle built on original sin because being able to buy a $4 million porn castle through hard work is everything that is great about this country and Mia's plans for the aforementioned porn castle are awesome.

Malkova and Tucker hope to make the castle even more eccentric. They plan to spend up to $1 million on a large pirate ship that will peek through the atrium into the backyard over a brand-new grotto pool.

Did someone say a porn castle pirate ship?

No word on the backyard but I assume there will be a very nice backdoor (That was a porn joke, sorry if it or these pictures of some breathtaking views offends).