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Scientists Are Over-The-Moon About A Dinosaur Butthole So Well Preserved That It's Basically Been Pickled In A Mason Jar And Primed For Prodding

The first dinosaur butthole ever discovered is shedding light where the sun don't shine. The discovery reveals how dinosaurs used this multipurpose opening — scientifically known as a cloacal vent — for pooping, peeing, breeding and egg laying. 

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The dinosaur's derrière is so well preserved, researchers could see the remnants of two small bulges by its "back door," which might have housed musky scent glands that the reptile possibly used during courtship — an anatomical quirk also seen in living crocodilians, said scientists who studied the specimen.

Although this dinosaur's caboose shares some characteristics with the backsides of some living creatures, it's also a one-of-a-kind opening, the researchers found. "The anatomy is unique," study lead researcher Jakob Vinther, a paleobiologist at the University of Bristol in the United Kingdom, told Live Science. It doesn't quite look like the opening on birds, which are the closest living relatives of dinosaurs. It does look a bit like the back opening on a crocodile, he said, but it's different in some ways. "It's its own cloaca, shaped in its perfect, unique way," Vinther said.

Ah, the wonders of science and discovery are happening all around us. As this big ball of blue matter floats through the universe with nary a care about its course or direction, scientists the world over are looking for answers in a myriad of ways. Some of those methods are in a lab. Each day, our country's best and brightest will dawn their white robes, power up their microscopes, and stare intently through a small hole just waiting for something to catch their eye. Lab folks are basically like teenage boys in that regard. The only difference is that they are trying to spot a virus in the squiggly lines and we were trying to see a full-blown nipple. 

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While most scientists are in the labs, there's a special few out there in the field carefully curating evidence that might link us to the Earth's past which, in turn, could connect us to our future. Wow. Naturally, we look to discover aspects of our past just like we would search for what we ate last night. That's right. We discover things through our beautiful, 8-spoked assholes. 

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A dinosaurs asshole has long been the prize of the paleontology world. For years, the leading minds in dinoscience have gone on tv shows giving full-throated exposés on the possible advances we could make if we could just dip our scientific fingers deep inside the anus of creatures from the past. 

Today, that hope sprung up from the ground like a prehistoric cumshot delivered in such a way that Yellowstone's Geysers would shout "hammer dont hurt em." Too late. Our foremost thinkers in academia are abuzz with butthole talk. Let's take just a moment to think about one line from the aforementioned scientific journal. "The discovery reveals how dinosaurs used this multipurpose opening — scientifically known as a cloacal vent — for pooping, peeing, breeding and egg-laying."

The power of that sentence is nearly too much for me to bear. You're telling me that a dinosaur had a butthole so perfect and divine that it could poop…. pee… breed… and lay eggs? An ass egg? Front butt? Boy pussy? Butthole birthing? My god. If my asshole could do even one of those things, I'd be touching it so often that people would be correcting me like I was a toddler around a freshly frosted cake. The only difference is that the cake would be between my legs aching to deliver a meal to the masses. You want my ass in your mouth? How about an ass egg? Wanna breed with these cheeks? Call that egg an egg benedick- I'll supply the hollandaise.  

 Further, "the dinosaur's derrière is so well preserved, researchers could see the remnants of two small bulges by its "back door," which might have housed musky scent glands that the reptile possibly used during courtship."

You smell that? It's not Axe Body Spray. It's my butthole lumps and they are about to make your lady soak like Mormons before their wedding. 

Honestly, it sounds like season 2 of Bridgerton just got its plot. As the plot thickens, so does the snake within my trousers. Sadly, I will not give my dick any relief. I will not give my dick any relief until my asshole can cum, make a baby, lay an egg, poop, and yes… for the sickos out there… my ass will continue to piss like it has since Easter of 2007. 

That's so fucked up. Why would you mention that?

God damn it.