The Sky Is Blue, Water Is Wet, Clare And Dale From The Bachelorette Are Breaking Up

Hello everyone, thank you for joining me today on "Things That We Absolutely Knew Were Going To Happen." In today's completely expected piece of news, it appears one of our most recent Bachelorette couples, Clare Crawley and Dale Moss have realized that they actually were never a true love match at all, and they upended an entire season of a fucking show with senseless drama before running off into the sunset together, for nothing. That's it. Caput. I don't even know how long they actually lasted. 3 months?? MAYBE four? For fuck's sake. What a farce. Dale was NEVER going to give up his life as a model running around NYC for 38 year old Clare who was probably poking holes in their condoms because she wanted kids so badly IMMEDIATELY. 

This is the right move for them both, and I hope they can each find someone who can withstand them for more than 20 minutes at a time.