Imagine you’re a Mets fan. For the first time in a long time, you have optimism this offseason. Things are different. Stevie Cohen is making all sorts of promises. Francisco Lindor has already been acquired. You get cocky. The hot stove is getting warmer. You turn on all the big baseball writers’ notifications in case some news breaks while you’re not online. You get an alert, late on a Monday night. What’s this? Jeff Passan tweeting about the Mets? Surely good news awaits!
Not quite! Turns out your brand new GM has been allegedly exposed as a creep. 61 straight unanswered texts over a month’s time is insane. But what separates Jared Porter from the rest is that he followed up #61 with a dick pic for lucky #62. LUNATIC. They should arrest you for being this horny. Take the hint at, I don’t know, let’s call it text number four. You send four straight unanswered texts you got your answer. Well, maybe three if you’re gonna drop the open-mouthed selfie for the third one.
If the Tyler O’Day isn’t getting a response, a response aint comin’, jack. When I text my friends consecutively without an immediate reply I assume they hate me and never want to speak to me ever again. I can’t imagine the ego it takes to keep firing at 28, 35, 47, and think the next one is gonna turn the tides
Folks gotta learn how to handle losses better. Don’t repeatedly harass an international reporter trying to make a name for herself. Don’t follow in Brett Favre’s footsteps. Don’t lie to Jeff Passan when he comes calling and say, “Oh that dickpick? That was a prank. One of those stock photo dicks you find on the web.” Take your Ls in silence and be much happier in the long run.
Can’t wait to see the meme Stevie Cohen tweets for his response to this. That should smooth things over.