Jon Lester Is About To Become A Washington National And The Good News Is Maybe We Can Finally Say Goodbye In Person

Sources also report I'm about to murder some pot roast. But first it's my professional obligation to issue commentary on the fact that another guy is about to lay some pipe on my sweetheart Jon Lester. One of the hardest hurdles as a young man is getting over rich deep love. In this case I'd compare Lester leaving to a college girlfriend moving to the other side of the country for graduate school. You're two lovers headed in the opposite direction. She wasn't your first but she definitely owns a piece of your soul. The childish nostalgia in my life is reserved for Kerry Wood and to a lesser extent Mark Prior. The latter wasn't around nearly as long but things got pretty weird in the summer of 2003 and I'll never forget them. As for Kerry, he was the first one to my heart. Maybe in hindsight that love was too fragile as we all know it was never meant to be. 

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It's not too different with Lester minus the obviously ability to make 32 starts a season. We knew he came into this from a long-term relationship. Like dating a girl that just broke up with a dude who flew her around the world and bought her a bunch of fancy shit. That was Jon Lester leaving the Red Sox after capturing two World Series and an entire fanbase. He had seen the entire world in 5-star capacity. The only thing we had to offer in Chicago was an authentic experience. 

Leave your past behind, Theo whispered

Fortunately that (along with 150 million dollars) was enough for Jon Lester to give us a shot. So we jumped in bed together and haven't looked back. 6 years later there's more good memories than almost any other relationship in our pathetic existence. Sure it was expensive but we're talking about free agents and girlfriends. Historically speaking those things cost a lot of fucking money. 

Fast forward and we're finally ready for some closure as we move into what appears to be a long-term rebuild. Knowing that, we have absolutely ZERO regrets about our time together with Jon Lester. Did we hope to squeeze in one more summer, just a couple of kids trying to fuck and keep things honest? Absolutely. But like I said some times you have to go your separate ways knowing there's a bigger picture in life. And then immediately right after that you have to get comfortable knowing your ex is getting piped down broadway by someone who is better, faster, stronger than you are. Very rare do they leave you for someone worse just an FYI. 

Bright side is the Nationals are in the National League. Otherwise that would actually be some pretty confusing shit but I digress. Point is the Nats are in town May 17th-20th which is a Monday-Thursday which means get ready for some day baseball if we're all chip'd and vaccinated by then. Sounds pretty good to me especially knowing how bad the Cubs are shaping up to be. Like it's actually better off for Jon Lester to be in a different relationship at this point in his life. That's how I know I'm maturing and growing as a man and fan. I just want him to be happy and successful. 

Goodbye Jon. 

Love, 

Carl

PS - Really is absolute bullshit we didn't give him a full send off. Scouts honor if he makes it back to Wrigley that will be a top 5 non playoffs Cubs game since Wood struck out 20.