Grave Robbers: Are They Actually Bad? Many People Are Saying No

So this news story is swirling around the ole interwebs. People are saying these dudes are pieces of shit for robbing some graves, takin a few skulls, rippin cigars, and conjuring some black magic. That’s not for me to decide. But I think we gotta talk about robbing graves.

Now hear me out. This is a very touchy subject because there’s multiple schools of thought. Some say that robbing graves is always bad. Others say, not so fast, my friends.

Here’s what I think: there has to be STANDARDS.

Let me set the scene a little. There’s a small town cemetery in the middle of no where. Most graves are marked with deaths occurring around 1933. The cemetery is largely unkept with vines, shrubs, and frankly just unsightly weeds overgrowing the area. You notice the cemetery and decide to set up a wild life camera and watch what happens in the cemetery over the course of a 90 day period.

After 90 days, you return to the cemetery to check the footage. Huh. Would you look at that. Nothing. In 90 days, not one person came to the cemetery. No one. What’s that mean?

To me, it means anything in those graves is fair game. There is a rule though. DO NOT MAKE A MESS OR INTENTIONALLY VANDALIZE THE GRAVES. In order to be an upstanding grave robber, you must not destroy the grave, headstones, or any trinkets. You can pocket whatever you want. Finders keepers. Dead folks weepers.

Look, I get it. This is unsavory and people don’t like the idea of their grandmother’s grave being opened. BUT, if this person died in 1933, the odds are overwhelming that anyone who actually knew that person are probably dead too. If they aren’t dead and they know the person in the grave who died in 1933, they don’t remember anything long enough to actually remember you robbed the grave so their seemingly righteous indignation over your grave robbing would be considered null and void by the courts.

After all, what’s in those fucking graves? Just bones? Some feathers? Jewelry? Hard to say which is why they need to open them up. What if there’s something awesome in there? FUCK! We gotta know. Only way to know is to open them up. 

To give you an idea what could be in there, I’ve researched the top gifts of 1933. These are the types of things that could be in one of those “precious” graves marked 1933.

1. A hard days work. Look, we’re at the height of the great depression so most of these folks could just wish for a job. 25 percent of people were out of work and many in breadlines. I’m glad these hard workers are getting to Rest In Peace. That’s important to me. They deserve it.

2. A dime. For those not fortunate enough to receive an honest day's work for Christmas, another popular gift for any gift giving occasion in 1933 was a dime. Much like Cabbage Patch Kids in in 1980s, dimes in 1933 were in such hot demand that people would actually create signs asking their brothers for this scarce gift. The craze would be short lived, however, as many folks would often settle for, and receive, the less popular nickel. Can you imagine? A nickel!

3. Soup. One of the hottest culinary trends in the early 1930s was soup. Urban foodies couldn’t get enough of this staple, and makeshift restaurants sprung up on seemingly every corner to meet the demand. With the rapid expansion, however, came steep declines in quality, leaving many soup enthusiasts to ask Santa for “just a touch of spice”, or perhaps a “chunk or two of fresh potato.”  I’m tired of beans and chips so some soup would hit the spot.

4. A chocolate chip cookie. The chocolate chip cookie was invented in 1933 but not widely marketed until 1938. If you aren’t familiar, the recipe for the chocolate chip cookie starts with a dough composed of flour, butter, both brown and white sugar, semi-sweet chocolate chips, eggs, and vanilla. Variations on the recipe may add other types of chocolate, as well as additional ingredients such as nuts or oatmeal. There are also vegan versions with the necessary ingredient substitutions, such as vegan chocolate chips, vegan margarine, and egg substitutes. A chocolate chocolate chip cookie uses a dough flavored with chocolate or cocoa powder, before chocolate chips are mixed in. These variations of the recipe are also referred to as ‘double’ or ‘triple’ chocolate chip cookies, depending on the combination of dough and chocolate types.

So those are just 4 of the reasons I’d rob a grave. I won’t miss another chance of getting a dime, some soup, and a chocolate chip cookie just by digging through a box of bones. If that makes me a bad person, fine. But don’t come lookin for some hand-out minestrone soup from me. Open up your own grave if you want some soup. There’s plenty of old graves to go around but only one bowl of soup PER GRAVE!