Predicting The Sponsors For NFL Divisions When They Inevitably Get Sold
News dropped on Tuesday that the NHL will have presenting sponsors for each division for the upcoming season.
So it got me thinking...we have that in hockey, jersey sponsors in the NBA, what will it look like when the NFL inevitably sells it's division title rights? You know it'll be a lot of BEER, and TRUCKS, and SHAVING stuff because ya gotta appeal to us slightly out of shape 25-48 year old DUDES.
Let's give it a go:
AFC North: Busch Lite
Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Cincy, Baltimore. It just screams blue collar guy sitting 10 Busch lite's deep in the Dawg Pound with no shirt on. Too blue collar to be Bud Light. That's too commercial. Busch feels a little rougher and according to a 2015 study it's the most popular beer in those regions. It's basically this scene from "Zack and Miri Make A Porno".
AFC South: Shoney's
It's headquartered in Nashville and for anyone who has made the trip south on I-65 from Indiana through Tennessee and into Florida knows you'll see plenty of Shoney's on your way down. It's waaay more prevalent and popular the further south you go so Indiana folks might not be too familiar with it other than seeing it on the side of the road on the drive to Spring Break, but that makes plenty of sense because why the hell are the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC South anyways?
AFC East: Dunkin' Donuts
A bidding war goes down between Buffalo Wild Wings (because of the Bills) and Dunkin but the East coast pull of New York and the New England area just makes too much sense not to go to Dunkin'. They win in a close one, and every Monday following your favorite AFC East team wins you get a free bag of donut holes with your cup of joe.
AFC West: Hunts Ketchup
Similar to the AFC East it was a close battle between Hunts Ketchup and Coors Light, and while Coors makes a lot of sense with the alcohol pull and the mountains being prominently featured throughout this division, at the end of the day this division belongs to Patrick Mahomes. What's Mahomes love so much? Hunts Ketchup. They team up with the West solely because of this condiment connection.
NFC North: Miller Lite
Wisconsin. Green Bay. Packers. Aaron Rodgers. Brew Crew. Headquarters in Milwaukee. Carl in Chicago. This is an easy call here. Lambeau alone would make this investment worth it. A free cheesehead koozie following every Packers WIN!
NFC South: Waffle House
722 Waffle House locations in the four states that are featured in the NFC South. What a better way to wrap up or start your day of drinking and watching your favorite football team in the crazy heat and humidity than soaking up the booze with some T-bone steak and eggs at a 15% discount when you wear your NFC South gear!
NFC East: Whatever The Cowboys Want
There's no geographical reason that makes a lick of sense that the Cowboys would be in the NFC East other than TV ratings and old NFL rivalries so fuck it, let ol' Jerry decide what will be slapped on the NFC East logo and walk away.
NFC West: Netflix
Starbucks was a close competitor here. Having the birthplace of the biggest coffee chain in the country is a nice feather in the cap, but Netflix swoops in to get into the streaming business of live sports. No better investment than the NFL. The west coast based streaming service continues to grow it's dominance. Catch the 5-6 Cardinals vs. the 4-7 49ers ONLY on Netflix.