With the holidays over, it’s time to settle back into the grind and really make some changes in our lives. For me, sleep is one of those needed improvements. As such, I bought my beloved bride a weighted blanket. I had seen much hullabaloo on the interwebs about them so I went to my local Amazon website to find one.
King size for 60 bucks. Not bad. There was one aspect of the shopping experience that was shocking to me. You see, I thought there was just weighted blankets. I had no idea they’d come in different weight sizes. 15, 20, 25, 27, 35, 45lb blankets were options. Fuck me rotten, that’s a ton of choices! Do I start slow? Is the 15lb weighted blanket like the moscato of weighted blankets? No one really likes it but it’s an entry point so they stick around because of college kids with baby palates and whathaveyou.
Is it like tools where you buy once-cry once and get a big fella? Ultimately, I went with the 27lb blanket. I like my blankets like I like my political candidates. Moderates.
The doorbell rang and I scurried to the front door knowing that the box delivered would contain this blanket. Hurriedly, I unboxed the item, ripped off the nice duvet, and replaced it with the new joint. 20 minutes later, my wife walks in. “You bought an ugly blanket for our room without asking me? What’s goin on here?”
That one hurt.
We set aside her stinging words that she delivered with a tongue as sharp as a cat of nine tails and awaited bedtime.
8:30 rolls around and my kids are settled for the evening. Baby Dale is belly up on the bed and gus is snuggled below my side of the bed with his head positioned so I can rub it often and with ease. Polite boy. My teeth are brushed early because I don’t wanna be tempted by the Costco-sized container of M&Ms sitting in my office longing to be popped in my mouth like I’m a southern teenager who has been shamed about vaginal sex but oral sex isn’t against the Bible so bombs away. I used gender-neutral language there because any person can suck dick.
Lowering the covers, I crawl into bed. Hmmm.
I, like most of you, am a restless leg guy. My legs are constantly swirling like a delicious selection of soft serve ice cream that’s being dispensed by an experienced operator at Dairy Queen. The weighted blanket steps up the plate and boom. Teddy Fuckin Ball Game hits it right outta the park.
The blanket was not hot. It was like being under the bib they give you at the dentist when you’re getting X-rays done but without the sharp pain in your gums from those X-ray tabs that are as thick as figgy pudding They really gotta fix that.
Rolling over is certainly more involved. That’s probably the biggest drawback. If you toss and turn at night, you might be doing that with what feels like resistance bands holding you down and I ain’t talkin Rage Against The Machine.
That’s being said, my initial thoughts of the weighted blanket by using the fancy boy scale of Actually Bad, Bad, Ok, Good, Actually Good, my review is that it is:
Could live with it or without it. I’ll update you about night two. Need to see how warm it is after some sex which I might partake in tonight 😎