DC Has Ebola Now, Whatever

FOX DC - A D.C. hospital is treating a patient they say has symptoms that could be associated with Ebola. The unidentified patient recently traveled to Africa, according to a Howard University spokesperson. “We can confirm that a patient has been admitted to Howard University Hospital in stable condition, following travel to Nigeria and presenting with symptoms that could be associated with Ebola,” university spokesperson Kerry-Ann Hamilton said in a statement Friday. “In an abundance of caution, we have activated the appropriate infection control protocols, including isolating the patient. Our medical team continues to evaluate and monitor progress in close collaboration with the CDC and the Department of Health,” Hamilton continued. “For privacy reasons, we cannot share additional details about the case. We will continue to provide key updates as the situation warrants,” she added.

Why is everyone tweeting me like this matters? Oh no, Ebola in DC. Shaking in my little space boots over here, not at all. Are we still worried about Ebola? Am I supposed to be shocked it’s in DC? Of course it’s in DC. We’re the most powerful city in the world. And with great power comes great responsibility. So if some buttfuck bullshit city in Texas gets Ebola, of course we are going to get it, but an even more awesome Ebola. It’s what DC does. Too big, too strong, too fast, too Ebola. Print them up and ship them out (shipping and handling rates apply).