Best Of 2020: Addressing #FirstPitchGate
Last night we were at the Chicago Hot Dogs game, taking in some live sports for the first time in like a decade while enjoying some great tasting, less filling Miller Lites
We have worked with the Chicago Hot Dogs a little bit over the last couple of years and they put on a great show. They do an awesome job and it's fun, cheap entertainment. Did I mention it was live sports? Yes, yes I did. I will continue to beat that drum, nothing beats live sports, especially when you work for Barstool SPORTS.
Anyways, Carl sang the 7th inning stretch and then the 4 of us judged a costume contest for the pooches that were in attendance:
Prior to all of that hubbub, I was tasked with throwing at the 1st pitch. Now we all know I have a goddamn hand cannon of a right arm. What you might not have known is I was never a command guy. I was a reach back and try to throw the ball through the catcher, umpire and backstop guy. I mean 91MPH right arms just don't grow on trees:
So when asked to throw out the first pitch last night, I assumed I'd be throwing to a catcher on the actual team, as is the case for 100% of first pitches. Nope. Wrong. WRONG.
I was paired up with an employee wearing a $20 glove he bought at Target not too dissimilar to the one Jared Carrabis wore during last December's telethon:
YIKES!!!
Once I realized this was the case I knew it was an inside job and I was set up, probably by Carrabis himself, and that I was fighting a war I didn't have a chance of winning. That I was about to be straight up dragged on the internet.
When you have an arm as good as mine, you can't reign it in. It's 100% or 0%. There's no in between, and when trying to not murder a "catcher" who's never caught a baseball in his life in cold blood, this is the result you get…
…a ball that would have been thrown behind a sumo wrestler's fat ass.
Here are the reasons for the location of this pitch:
- I'm a power pitcher, not a command pitcher
- I didn't loosen up prior to throwing
- It was a plastic baseball and not a real one so my grip sucked
- Carrabis throws 68
- Hubbs throws slower than Carrabis
- Mush stinks at baseball
- The Yankees stink worse than Mush at baseball
- Awful frame job by the catcher
- I read Trista's Steve Nash blog in the drafts last night and was completely nauseous knowing it was going to be published today
- My arm was sore from beating Carrabis in the telethon last December
- I was drunk
- Some chick with great tits was sitting behind the plate and I got distracted
- I was acting like Jose Altuve was in the box and trying to bean him so it was actually thrown where it was intended to be thrown
- I was wearing Air Force 1st and didn't have a good footing when my plant foot landed
- I was wearing khaki shorts and not baseball pants
Put all of this together and this is the result you get. Like I said, it was a war I had zero chance of winning. That's all there is to it. I will be taking no more questions at this time. I'm on to Cincinnati. Have a great Labor Day weekend. Don't forget to support the troops, that's what Labor Day is all about. Never forget that.