That’s gold, Jerry! GOLD! After the best day on Twitter that I can ever remember, this guy’s rant was the cherry on top. The only thing missing was a “Don’t mess with Texas”. I watched that video three times to make sure I didn’t miss a “Don’t mess with Texas”. But it never showed up.
Anyway, here’s a quick recap of that epic rant:
1. Never trust a man from Houston. I am pretty sure that is Day 1 stuff for anyone from America, let alone Texas. Tell me something I don’t know, bro.
2. Blake Griffin is a high school bully for trying to recruit DeAndre Jordan back to the team that drafted him. This one still doesn’t make sense to me. It’s like when Owen Wilson calls Vince Vaughn a hillbilly in Wedding Crashers. Just nonsense being spewed out of anger.
3. This guy has dibs on a photoshop of that Blake Griffin chair tweet with the NBA playoffs logo. Noted.
4. Again, Blake Griffin is a giant bully who no one stands up to. Other than basically every NBA player that cheap shots him and knocks him to the ground whenever they feel like it. But that’s just semantics.
5. Blake Griffin is ugly as shit. Subjective but I’ll let it pass.
6. Blake Griffin cries himself to sleep. I personally think he swims in his own money like Scrooge McDuck before he goes to sleep between a sandwich of L.A. supermodels. Tomayto, tomahto I guess.
7. Chris Paul has no integrity. That one may actually check out, seeing how he has allowed State Farm to take the Cliff Paul character into such a frivolous direction all for a buck. But I think that’s still kind of hyperbole. Now if Chris Paul said he was going to kick a child in his face with his boot? Yeah, integrity may not be his strong suit.
8. Chris Paul is 4’11”. Not even going to bother looking at his ESPN page, because that is DEFINITELY true.
9. Paul George cheated on Doc Rivers’ daughter. Didn’t know that one. Probably because Doc Rivers is a shitty father that doesn’t deserve to be a coach.
11. DeAndre Jordan looks like a retard and has actually become a retard after signing with the Clippers. I imagine this is what doctors would call Reverse Cinderella Syndrome.
12. All Blake Griffin is good for is jumping.
13. Jumping doesn’t last forever. I’ve never seen a dead guy jump. Point, Mavs fan.
14. Someone may slash all of the Clippers’ knees
15. But it definitely won’t be this guy. That was NOT a threat.
However, I am pretty sure this last part IS a threat. Or at least a man becoming a super-villain right before our very eyes.
All that being said, I am sure this guy was just heated in the moment. It’s not like he has an entire catalog of videos where he dresses in a mask while ranting and raving about sports.
*Searches for button to delete blog immediately*