Before we dive into this modern scientific miracle, I have no idea what Marty is talking about. Middle school? Is that when you learn about hiccup remedies? Maybe the worst segue into a topic I've ever seen. "Middle school was bullshit I have the hiccups" immediately jumps to the top of a very long list of insane things Marty Mush has ever said out loud or in text on the world wide web. Yes, more insane than the ocean walls thing I still don't understand. At least that was an abstract concept. Middle school? Anyways.
Hiccups are the most debilitating, least life-threatening thing that can happen to a person. I don't know why but there's some weird level of embarrassment that comes with them. Like you can't quietly have hiccups. The second they happen upon you that's all the conversation becomes. Whether you like it or not you're now the center of attention. You're helpless. The next one is always lurking around the corner. There's no build up, no warning, just a fucking convulsion and a loud yelp like you stepped on a dog's tail. I think the longest I've ever had the 'cups is 40 minutes. And it was during a podcast, the ideal time to have them I'd argue.
The worst part about hiccups, other than the feeling of hopelessness and the fear that you might become one of those people who has them for 70 years, is that everyone you're around immediately becomes a doctor. "Oh eat a scoop of peanut butter." "Drink water upside down." "Hold your breath." "Take this gun and put the barrel in your throat." Everyone in the world has a home remedy that worked for them once and now they're convinced they've cracked the code.
Which is exactly what I'm here to do. Not because I cracked that code, that would be false. A Nicaraguan grandfather discovered this remedy and it has completely changed my life. Are you ready to have yours changed as well? You're welcome in advance.
Brilliant. Simple, elegant, and - most importantly - effective. I got this tweeted at me two months ago and hiccups don't even come around my neighborhood anymore. They know it's a war they can no longer win. It's like I've invented the gatling gun and they're still throwing rocks. I don't want to disagree with the original poster, but I think we can all agree the most important aspect of this cure is the double swallow. The open mouth Eli breath definitely helps, no question. I'm not here to debate that. But the double swallow is the hard reset your body needs. Like when you have to search your house high and low for a paperclip to stick in those incredibly tiny holes manufacturers use to hide their reset buttons. I don't want to go on a full fledged rant about how there simply must be a better way for them to include an easier reset button than the world's smallest hole only accessible via paperclip, but I digress… for now…
Save this blog. Share it with your loved ones. Together, with the help of our favorite Nicaraguan grandpa, we can end the scourge known as hiccups once and for all.