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Scottish Snowplows, TIERED

These Scottish Snowplow names went viral and I simply could not allow you fine folks to exist in a world without a proper tiering

S Tier - Spready Mercury, Meltin’ John

Not even a contest. Comfortably, and I do mean comfortably, the best names on the board. These plows fuck. Long, and hard. I don’t know exactly how well flamboyancy translates to snow plowing but it doesn’t seem like an attribute that would hurt. If anything, hearing these majestic beasts cruising down your block is the right way to kick off an excursion into a winter wonderland. I don't know if there's some sort of bonus that comes with creating the best names but I hope they each have a fine Christmas goose for each of their ovens.

A Tier - Mr. Plow, Snowbegone Kenobi, Lew-Ice Capaldi, Gritney Spears, Fred, My Name’s Doddie, Arctic Angel

I don’t think there’s a clearer example of my lack of bias in these tiers than this placement of Mr. Plow. I’m sure many of you clicked this and thought, “Well, it’s the Mick Man. One of the world’s foremost ‘Simpsons’ fans. Of course he’s going to put Mr. Plow in the S Tier.” And you were wrong. Because I take these tiers as serious as a heart attack. Does me no good to play favorites. That’s not what this is about. This is about fair, unbiased tiering. Clearly an upper echelon name, just no Spready or Meltin’. Fred is sneaky one of the best names on the entire board. There’s beauty in simplicity, and as you will see from a lot of these try hard names that dropped the ball, some people just aren’t that creative. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it pays to play to your strengths. Sometimes you’re just Fred, and that’s alright with me.

Arctic Angel gets its own paragraph and deservedly so. I don’t want Arctic Angel out there every time a couple of inches hits the ground. Arctic Angel needs to be in its own bunker, waiting patiently for The Big One. It should be 3x larger than your standard plow and take up three lanes of traffic like the original Hummer. That thing should have a front so sharp it could pierce through the iceberg that took down the Titanic. It's driven by the guitar player from MAD MAX: FURY ROAD and blasts fire at your driveway, instantly melting every fleck of snow that even considered falling in your neighborhood. 

B Tier - Plougher O’Scotland, Gritallica, BFG, Gritter Bug, Snowkemon Go, Salty, Yes Sir Ice Can Boogie, Sir Andy Flurry, Snow Destroyer, Polar Patroller, I Want To Break Freeze, Sprinklebell, Penelope Gritstop, The Golden Great Gritter

Just quality names here. And if I may make a grand assumption I do believe the caliber of name directly correlates to how good of a gritter these brave drivers are. Any of these fine lads and lasses are more than welcome down my street any snowy day. BFG was a small, vulgar tweak away from shooting up these ranks but B Tier is nothing to hang your head at. Salty took a big risk as the one name plows don't get much love on this tier. Yes Sir Ice Can Boogie is bit too wordy to be elite, but strong nevertheless. Snow Destroyer better never end up in a ditch in need of a tow otherwise they're at the bottom of this list by New Year's Day. 

C Tier - Chilly Connolly, Grittie McVittie, The Incredible Ice Bear, Nitty McGritty, Gritty Gritty Bang Bang, Ready Spready Go, Blizzard Bear, Polar Bear Explorer, Sandy The Solway Salter, Sir Salter Scott, Slippy McGritty, True Gritter, Mrs Gritter, Amber Snowy, The Grittest Snowman

These are fine. Nothing special, nothing terrible. Precisely what the C Tier is for. You find yourself in the C or above and you've done your job. A lot of bear-centric names in here which I'll never complain about. If you don't like bears then I don't like you. That's just a basic litmus test for the Mick Man. A couple good movie puns in here but the difference between a Meltin' John and a Grittest Snowman is that Elton John doesn't suck whereas The Greatest Showman does, in fact, suck. 

D Tier - Darth Spreader, Han Snow-lo, Luke Snowalker, Snow Trooper

All of these stink. Snow Trooper probably pisses me off the most, mainly because Storm Trooper didn’t need to be changed. It’s called a Snow Storm. Snow Trooper isn’t clever, in fact it’s quite the opposite. Darth Spreader technically rhymes with a Scottish accent and ONLY a Scottish accent. Go ahead and pronounce “Spreader” like Groundskeeper Willie in your head right now. Just because it rhymes for them doesn’t make it good. Han Snow-lo? Oh, brother. Luke Snowalker? More like Puke Blow Crock-of shit. There should be a limit of one (1) Star Wars related name per year and this year Snowbegone Kenobi completely obliterated the competition. The fact that no one seems to understand that the less Star Wars the better, from Hollywood to Scotland, is troublesome. 

F Tier - Gangsta Granny Gritter, License To Chill, Scotland’s Bravest Gritter, Sir Grits A Lot, For Your Ice Only, The Snow Buster, The Snow Solution, Snow Dozer, Snow Brother, Grittest Hits, Grit A Bit, Snow Dozer, Snow Brother, Ice Queen, Rumble, Sprinkles

Gangsta Granny Gritter was getting a lot of love on the ol' social medias which is exactly how I know I'm right. Get that Buzzfeed ass Childish Gambino name generator name out of my face. The "That's What She Said" lowest common denominator type of humor that I have no patience for when it comes to the noble tradition of name snowplows. Shame? You bet. License To Chill? Hey buddy, you have a license to do the exact fucking opposite. If you chill my goddamn street and have me slippin' and slidin' into a telephone poll we're gonna have big problems. Scotland's Bravest Gritter, don't forget Most Humble, too! For Your Ice Only reminded me of J. Cole, almost put it lower on the list. The Snow Buster, Solution, and Dozer are like when a 2-year old points to a dog and says, "That's a dog!" Ice Queen, Rumble, Sprinkles... I mean did these people find out about the naming process five minutes before the deadline? How do you even look Spready Mercury in the face with names like these? I'm disgusted, but not nearly as disgusted as...

G Tier - Snowball

Fuck you. I hope every kid in Scotland pelts you with a zillion snowballs you hack.