Look, I love Home Alone. It's my favorite Christmas movie as it perfectly encapsulates how much family simultaneously blows and rocks, especially during the holiday season. Everything about it is great, except one beef I have which I will talk about shortly. Kevin and his little house of horrors? Laugh out loud funny. All of the ancillary characters? They are perfect in their roles. The Christmas music? A+
But I got a major beef about Home Alone and I was reminded about it during our Snake Draft that just dropped on Dog Walk yesterday. Before I continue, listen via the following links:
Towards the beginning of the movie, Joe Pesci aka Harry is impersonating a cop as he scouts out homes to rob during the Christmas season. Actually a good way to go about business if we're speaking frankly. Great plan of attack, unless you encounter a really witty 10 year old with James Bond-like schematics. But one scene drives me BAT SHIT CRAZY. The scene where they're eating pizza in the beginning of the movie.
In the scene, the entire kitchen has pizza scattered over every square inch of it:
Uncle Frank has a slice
The dad has a slice:
The weirdo brother with the Lloyd Christmas bowl cut has a slice:
And that fat asshole Buzz has a slice
Everyone and their mother has a slice, everyone but Kevin that is. His only shot at getting some plain cheese pizza was if Buzz barfed it up.
But the keyword here is SLICE. Look, we don't do slices in Chicagoland. If you didn't know, the Home Alone house is located in Winnetka, IL, an affluent suburb just north of Chicago. The actual house recently sold for almost $2MM. Here's the location in proximity to Chicago:
And all of this matters because WE DO SQUARE CUT BAR PIZZA and that is FINAL. If the producers, directors or writers of this movie had done just a hint of research, they'd know this. Fuck outta my face with pie cut pizza that can only feed like two people. You know why we do square cut in Chicago? Here's a little history lesson for you, courtesy of myself and Eddie doing a pizza review with Dente:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrUUQ98_5G0&t=520s
It's because we started cutting our pizzas in squares to divvy the pizza up to more people in orphanages and shit during the Great Depression. Call it midwest hospitality, call it whatever you want. That's just how shit goes in Chicago and it's surrounding suburbs. So that's why I hate watching Home Alone and seeing shitty east coast style pies on my screen instead of Vito and Nick's
or Al's in Warrenville
Or Phil's on 35th street:
I'd have so much more respect for Home Alone if there were a bunch of paper bags carrying square cut pizzas in this scene. But there's not, so I gotta call them out for their egregious error. I hate to be that guy, but I'm gonna be that guy. Just doesn't make sense for a movie filmed in Chicagoland. If there were an actual Little Nero's pizza joint in Chicago or its neighboring suburbs, they'd laugh in your face if you asked for a pie cut pizza. That's just a fact of life.
Now if you'll excuse me, the White Sox just signed Adam Eaton and I want to vomit. Talk soon!