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Residents Of A Pennsylvania Town Are Using Kevin McAllister Tactics To Save Their City From Terrorizing Vultures That Are Shitting Everywhere

[Post] - Residents in the town, located on the Susquehanna River outside of Lancaster, have reported the birds have pecked at their roofs, porch furniture and garbage cans.

Trees are also almost being completely covered with their white droppings.

“I mean pure, pure white,” one resident told the paper.

Southcentral Pennsylvania stand the fuck up! Full disclosure, I grew up about 25 minutes from Marietta and this is as peak Susquehanna River as it gets. A small town, between York and Lancaster being flat out terrorized by vultures. Not just any vultures either. Ones that are shitting everywhere. Ones that are ruining houses and ones that are protected under federal law.

So that's how we're getting man vs beast. A tale as old as time. A battle that has gone for ages. Typically we don't see this vs the bird community, but this is what we're seeing (h/t AP): 

For example, the newspaper reported, residents are banging on pots and pans and lighting fireworks to disrupt the birds.

Hanging effigies, as in taxidermied birds, also deters the vultures, but they are expensive and residents must get permission to display them, the newspaper reported.

Hmm, using fireworks and pots and pans for a distraction? Where have I seen that before? 

Marietta has resorted to Home Alone to save the city and I don't blame them one bit. Look at that photo of the vultures just roosting in the tree. Fucking terrifying! Those birds mean business. No doubt about it. I know there are a lot of bird people here on the site. Clem/Coley big birds guys. KFC big bird conspiracy theory guy. Dave big Larry Bird guy. I'm just here to help a town I know well to come up with better ideas than hanging taxidermied birds and setting off fireworks. They gotta take that city back! There's one person to call during this time. One of the scariest people in movie history.

Giphy Images.

Pigeons, vultures, practically the same. Get those vultures to Columbia and out of Marietta! That's the first step. Actually push them the other way. Get them to Lancaster. Keep getting them away from York. They say it's been going on for a decade, but I gotta admit I never once heard of vultures in the area. Something fishy is going on here and we're going to get to the bottom of it. 

PS: The thought of people applying for the right to hang up dead birds as a scare tactic is so fucking funny. Yeah, it's a bit crazy to even think of doing it, even psychotic. But this is life vs bird shit. You can't end up with white hair because of bird shit. You just can't.