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VIDEO: Santa Reduces a Kid to Tears by Saying He Will NOT Bring Him a Nerf Gun

Great going, fatboy. You had ONE job. OK, make that two. The mission of a store Santa is to:

1) Keep that pint bottle of cheap vodka in your back pocket until after your shift

2) Send the kids away happy.

That's it. Hard stop. Now is not the time to be holding gun control debates with 7-year-olds, Woke Claus. You know what you signed up for. Your moral conundrums end when you strap on the beard. There are no conscientious objectors in the Santa's Little Helpers Corps. You either say "yes" to every request despite your personal feelings or you don't become one of the few, the proud. Check your opinions at the fake workshop door, Lefty Kringle. What's next? Are you going to start lecturing the kid about how 2A specifically mentions "well regulated militias" and cite gun violence statistics?

I can't help but put myself in the mom's shoes, because we've all been there. The whole family is exhausted. The baby is probably wet and that diaper us under 15 layers of winter clothes. You've got Mall Mouth. You wait in line just to see the sparkles of joy in you children's innocent eyes in the short window you have before the harsh realities of the world start to dim that light. And now your boy is in tears and the day is ruined.

But I've never been here. My kid getting nagged by a fictional pseudo father figure. And probably coming away from it permanently scarred. Left to wonder what's wrong with him that he wants an awesome toy that's so objectionable St. Nick won't have one in his sleigh. Instead he's trying to pawn off some LEGOs and cars and trucks and baby crap like that. I would have no idea what to do, other than rip Fake Santa's beard off and exposing him for the fraud he is. 

Giphy Images.

And let's make no mistake, Nerf guns ARE awesome. Between my two sons we had an arsenal of them. I used to say that if Nerf darts could kill zombies, our house would be humanity's greatest hope for survival when the apocalypse hits. But those things can't hurt anyone. That boy is going to able to unload a clip right into his baby sister and she'll giggle hysterically. Despite Grinchy McNoFun's moral objection to harmless, vaguely weapon-shaped plastic toys that shoot foam projectiles with a spring. 

So spare us, pinko. The constitution says that kid has the right to a Nerf gun. Get over yourself or quit this once proud profession. Nobody needs your lectures. 

Giphy Images.