I'm not here to debate the merits of Rudy Giuliani's arguments, the veracity of his claims or the outcome of the Michigan primary. If we're being honest, I lost all faith in American democracy back in Season 5 of "Idol" when Dave Portnoy's guy Taylor Hicks beat my girl Katharine McPhee. At that point I just assumed we were incapable of ever trusting the results of any vote if we got that one so tragically wrong. [Pause to pay tribute to Katharine McPhee for a moment. ...
And moving on.]
The only purpose of this investigation is to break down this video and determine whether or not, in a hearing to determine who won the primary in the battleground state of Michigan, the attorney representing one of the candidates - the sitting President of the United States of America, mind you - did, in fact, fart in the middle of speaking.
Let's look at the film, moment by moment. Frame 1: Giulani is shouting. Frame 12: The committee chair comes into focus as he calls for a point of order. Frame 21: The camera cuts back to Rudy who is arguing somebody didn't interview somebody else. Frame 35: As he says the words "a ... single ... witness," the fart is heard. It sounds like a backfire. It's gonna be a turkey shoot. Frame 38: The co-counsel sitting next him reacts:
Now note the motion of her head. Side … and to the right. Side … and to the right. You can see that she's obviously been hit. Frame 47: We see the chairman react. His head snaps back:
Note that he doesn't look side to side. He doesn't turn to anyone else sitting near a microphone. He focus is on Giuliani. Frame 56: Triangulate the position of the chairman's stare with the sideeye from the woman at the table. Totally consistent with the shot coming from inside his pants.
So what happens next? Pandemonium.
If you're looking for the real threat to our election system, there it is. The Magic Butthole. Old men in suits cracking off gas in the middle of allegedly serious investigations without regard for the consequences. And the only response of our society if this great American Experiment is going to survive any longer is to expose them. And, whenever possible, to turn their Trouser Trumpets into music.
"Let justice be done though the heavens fall."