I have been thinking about that moment for three straight days. Another Jenga loss. Goose Mode falls to 0-2. I kept asking myself, "What could I have done better. Where did I go wrong?" I came to a hallowing conclusion.
I did nothing wrong. There's nothing I could have done better. It was perhaps my greatest Jenga performance to date. I overcame a two-hand violation from Frankie "Idiot" Borrelli, making a near impossible pull that very few players could make. I had some other difficult pulls, and others that I made with the ease of a natural. It was an absolute clinic. Jake Marsh and Jeff D Lowe both agreed that it was one of the greatest individual performances they've ever seen. (I said that loudly near them about myself, and they didn't immediately disagree).
But unfortunately for me, Jenga is a team game. And my teammates have failed me time and time again. I'm Mike Trout who can't reach the playoffs despite MVP numbers. I'm Jacob deGrom with a sub-2.00 ERA but a 9-12 record. I decided enough is enough. Because you know who else I am? I'm Bill Belichick. People saw the draft heist I pulled, trading down a few picks in exchange for 3 Instagram stories from Ria, an Instagram main feed post from Big Cat, a weekend "Tommy Smokes" special at Borrelli's, and still getting Frankie who was the #3 overall player on the board before we realized what butterfingers he has.
You know what else Belichick does great? He knows when to move on. He'd much rather cut a guy a year too early than a year too late. That's the decision I'm making with Frankie. At 0-2, we cannot afford another loss. I didn't love Frankie's energy on Monday, claiming it was now "his team" and then following that up with a disgusting display of Jenga. Frankie thought he couldn't be cut. But he was wrong. Because you know what else Belichick/Tommy do better than anyone else? Find loopholes.
While the cut date was Black Friday, there was a clause that stated it could be pushed back if you hadn't completed 3 games. We have only played 2. This was my last chance to make a move. I decided in my gut that this was the right move to make. In Survivor, if you don't make a move against someone first, they'll make the move against you. It's better to make it too early than too late. That's what I'm doing. Enough losing. We needed to make a change. Frankie has been cut. It was not an easy discussion, but he understood. I told him he's still get a cut of the 10K if we do win, because that's just the kind of guy I am. I respect everyone who's come through this organization.
I went through a lot of deliberation on who would be his replacement. I looked at the stats, watched the tape, and made people perform my famous pre-game finger exercise. One person stood out above the rest.
I went from one pale, lesbian looking boy to another. That's how I like my Jenga teammates. Vibbs is a student of the game. He's played before and reffed before. He's shown some promise. I was surprised he wasn't selected on Draft Day. But he's getting his chance now. He's my Tom Brady. Everyone doubted him. I took a chance on him. I'm going to make him great. I will scream at him. I will insult him. I will verbally abuse him. I will break him down until he's a shell of the boy he once was, and I will build him back up as a man. A man who wins Jenga.
Our first game together is today. The stream starts at 12. We are the third game. Get your picks in on the PlayBarstool App and be ready to witness my first Jenga victory in over 70 days.
Goose Mode…. Activated