David did eventually build up the courage to initiate a break, only to call him back days later and say she’d made a mistake. But Davidson said he was “the happiest he had ever been,” and definitively dumped her two days later in a text message. The following day, she learned that he was with Grande. He’d uploaded images of himself to Instagram showing that he’d covered his Cazzie tattoos.
She was devastated. On the plane to her sister’s college graduation, David was held by her dad as she “shook uncontrollably in his arms for the entire flight.” She curled up in the hotel’s bathroom, crying and sucking on her weed pens. She woke up “screaming in agony,” her dad pulling her from the bed to stop her spiraling.
“CAZZIE, COME ON!” Larry David told her. “YOUR ANCESTORS SURVIVED THE HOLOCAUST!”
Breaking up sucks. We've all had bad experiences and hit the lowest of lows after being dumped. We cry, we rebound fuck and worst of all, we look at their social to see who they're fucking and wonder why we aren't better than them. Imagine that, except the person they get with is Ariana fucking Grande.
Big oof, as the kids say. The one thing that has to make all of that better, though, is being consoled by a a world class comedian in your father. The best joke my dad ever told was assuring me and my brothers that he would be with my mom forever and never move to North Carolina with a barista. Having Larry David tell you that if your ancestors can survive the holocaust, you can survive a breakup with this ole butthole eyes-ass comedian.
A millennial child curled up in a ball ripping a weed pen because she was dumped after she initiated a breakup actually sounds like the plot to a Curbed episode.
He tries to console her but not only says "Weeeeeeell you did kind of start the breakup" and noting that Ariana Grande is a smoking-hot mega star so she can't even blame him. Maybe he has to walk it back because he tried her weed pen, loved it and can't find one in LA cause of some local ordinance. I don't know, that's why I'm not a comedy writer folks.