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Tony La Russa Needs A Driver (And Other Potential Job Postings Across Chicago Sports)

You've probably heard already but new White Sox skipper, Tony La Russa, is in hot water for being charged with a DUI. The Sox are even more fucked because they knew about it before giving him the job without interviewing another candidate. It's as much as a shit show as the premise of "76-year old controversial manager hired controversially amidst major personal controversy" suggests.  

You can learn more here: 

Elsewhere I'd be remiss not to seize the opportunity to notify the general public that Tony La Russa probably needs a sober driver. Not jumping to conclusions but if you're a famous millionaire with thinning blood and a penchant for a decent buzz at dinner, you probably need help on the transportation front. 

But I don't want to just isolate the White Sox and La Russa's needs. There's plenty of other opportunity around Chicago provided you know where to look and how to position yourself. One of the more frequently asked questions is how do you get a job at Barstool or some other place without job postings. The answer is you anticipate needs and then position yourself to provide services around those needs when the time is right. I'm not saying write a cover letter for any of these but same time it's probably not a bad idea to write a cover letter for any of these if you want to build a local career in sports:

Tony La Russa Driver: Leading off is the biggest no brainer on the list and the reason we're here in the first place. The caveat with this position is you have to be with TLR 24 hours a day, no excuses. You can't assume he'll use his phone to communicate with you because if he could use a phone, we'd just install Uber with Jerry's credit card. Obviously that's not on the table so we're going Plan B: full time driver. Think Bobby Bacala but less chatty with a greater sense of urgency and capacity to multi-task. That's the candidate I have in mind and no doubt one of you animals in Bridgeport can do the job out of your black 2015 BMW. Someone who can get him culturally appropriated while keeping an eye out. I can already hear the De La Salle guys lining up as I hit publish. 

Bears Headset Technician: Let's not kid ourselves. Playing calling is an absolute fucking disaster with the Chicago Bears right now but there doesn't seem to be any change on the horizon. If you're Virginia McCaskey, you could hope and pray that Nagy comes to his senses or you could do the right thing tonight and hire a new Headset Tech. Baseline requirements are that you possesses the technical skillset to reroute the wireless channels so Nick Foles doesn't have to listen to Matt Nagy again. Bounce his signals off a Northwest Indiana cell tower for all I care. Just so long as Chuck Pagano's headset remains functional while Matt Nagy's does not. Knowing Nagy, we can presume he won't admit publicly that his play-calling duties have been stripped because that would be a sign of weakness AND THIS IS FOOTBALL. 

United Center Scoreboard Operator: This job opportunity is based purely on my love for the Dunkin Donuts Coffee Bagel Donut race. Easily a top 3 in-game entertainment experience in Chicago sports. I don't care if this job is under contract for the next thousand years, I want to open up the competition. Coffee wins too much I'm just going to come out and say it. There needs to be a more equitable distribution of prizes and that's just getting started. I also need fewer crowd noise meter readings and much less encouragement from reserve players of all sports to Stand Up And Shout!!! I like what we're working with on this front but overall think we can get to the next level. Strongest argument: United Center installed a new board last year and with that comes new challenges in technology. Why can't you be the leader that ushers in this era of progress? 

Wrigley Field Wristband Monitor: It's practically impossible to naturally identify & understand the various access points at Wrigley Field these days. Sometimes it feels like you can't piss in a trough without the right colored bracelet. Captain Morgan club here. Jim Bean box seats there. 1914 Club in the basement. Budweiser (barf) patio in the bleachers with private parties. Bleachers can go to concourse but main concourse can't go to Bleachers. There's special skybox elevators and a Maker's Mark Club and a W-Club and even a Catalina Wine Mixer section, all with their own separate tickets and privileges and wristbands. 

Given the overwhelming supply of Wrigley virgins at each home game, I think it's only fair the Cubs hire an official Wristband Monitor task force to manage the peasants looking for a free meal. Feudal class systems may exist in bygone eras, but there's some inherent value to reminding the less fortunate that they're less fortunate. Even at a Bucket List caliber event like a Chicago Cubs home game, there should be consequences to overstepping your bounds. The Titanic was known to employ similar tactics as playfully noted in the following scene: 

White Sox Rules Guy To Write The Unwritten Rules So People Actually Know What The "Rules" Are: Kind of a mouthful but just hang with me. There's such an emphasis now on what Tony La Russ will tolerate vs. what Tim Anderson will change about his game (nothing). People everywhere expect major fireworks as La Russa won't be able to keep track of all the vaguely-defined player missteps that makes the wine so appealing coming 6pm. From virtually every vantage point it doesn't look good. That's why I think Jerry needs to bite the bullet and bring in someone to put all this bullshit on paper. Get all the boys in a room together, open up a Microsoft Word doc and start typing. There's absolutely no reason we find ourselves debating any of this come mid-Summer. 

That said, and without proactive intervention, I could probably record the 2021 pre-All Star break podcast with White Sox Dave right now. 

Usually the word cocksucker is a term of endearment around this office… 

Blackhawks Power Play Guy: I'm admittedly weak on hockey but not nearly as weak as the Blackhawks on the power play. If there's one things Hawks fans fucking hate it's their own power play. Like waves hitting the beach, there is literally no end in sight to the misery or criticism. The biggest problem is that the blame touches so many people. Stan's fault for having shitty players. Jeremy's fault for not knowing what to do. McDonough's fault for firing Q just because I want to say that. The players fault for not being more effective. The blame game gets passed around on power plays like a box of whippits in a closed bedroom at a Beta Theta Pi half-class open house rush event. Personally I say enough is enough. If you're going to point fingers and complain just isolate one guy and make him the town asshole. I don't even care if he's responsible just pay him money to raise his hand after every game and be like "Sorry I'm the reason the Blackhawks are dead last in every meaningful power play statistic." That way we'll at least have someone to feather and tar come April. This position comes with no benefits. 

Bulls T-Shirt Cannon Guy: I'm not making bold predictions here but the Bulls can't possibly suck this bad forever. The Karnivore is hard at work and something tells me 35-40 wins in the next 3 years isn't unreasonable. That sentence alone has burned through my brain's daily supply of dopamine, but facts remain that Chicago shows up for a Not Too Shitty NBA Team. The United Center is buzzing anytime you knock on that 8-seed door and my money says we need to keep the momentum going. Keep the people happy by giving them what they want. Let the record show that is NOT t-shirts falling from the rafters with the parachutes. Too many drift into the outstretched greedy hands of the 100 level, ultimately isolating your upper deck diehards. Ipso facto my brain says we need to double down on t-shirt cannon guys. Not one or two or five. I'm talking dozens of t-shirt cannon guys strategically placed throughout the UC laying down a consistent base fire across targeted locations. I want so much volume that you contemplate bringing head gear just to keep your girl safe. That's the kind of energy that translates to season ticket sales and I want it captured. 

Javy Baez Fungo Guy: This job isn't necessarily available because he's basically the best shortstop in the world and idk how much improvement there is to be had. But if I'm pitching Chicago sports related occupations, you better believe I'm throwing the Exclusive Fungo Guy for Javy Baez on the list. That's basically the best sports job of all time and I don't even need to qualify that with experience using a fungo or hitting grounders or even understanding how to coach baseball. The idea that you could spend an hour or two every day in the sun at Wrigley drilling with El Mago is what I call a perfect idea. Mounds of chewed up sunflower seeds accumulate at your feet while you find a beautiful rhythm working Javy's backhand side plays. Somewhere upstairs Dante plays some cool latin music I haven't heard before. 

I remember the Cubs held tryouts for lefthanded BP specialist years ago and the entire world showed up. If you actually made this job available I think we could give the 2016 World Series parade a run for the record of largest human gathering in the history of recorded civilization. 

Mitch Trubisky Hype Guy: A lot of you are going to accuse me of including this one because I want to give myself this job, and that's absolutely correct. Make no mistake about it this is probably the easiest job on the list. All you have to do is hang out with Mitch and remind him that the offensive line sucks, the play-calling is dismal, and he was working against a loaded deck in the first place. These are extremely easy facts to argue and accept so really no experience is required to succeed here. You just need to be open and honest with the current state of the Chicago Bears offensive infrastructure. Then you need to ask yourself "Was it ever really Mitch's fault?" If you have an open mind this position might appeal to you. Benefits include seeing through the general public's bullshit and being on the ground floor of an amazing comeback story. Salary is nonexistent as you'll be compensated in Mitchell Trubisky common stock and untold amounts of future dividends. Technically this one's already filled but I'm happy to accept additional applicants. 

What did I miss? What job do you want?