It's that time of year again.
The Halloween decorations are getting put away, the Christmas decorations are somehow starting to come out, and that Facebook event keeps notifying you about an event coming up "Friendsgiving 2020" this weekend.
Friendsgiving - an event invented by millennials meant to give another excuse to shop holiday decor on Amazon and take a boomerang masked by the idea that we'll be giving thanks that we're all in each other's lives despite seeing each other every weekend.
It's an event that mirrors your regular Thanksgiving just in opposite fashion.
Thanksgiving you're recovering from a hangover. Friendsgiving you're trying to get fucked up.
Thanksgiving you're avoiding your annoying cousin. Friendsgiving you're embracing your dumbass buddy.
Thanksgiving your grandpa keeps talking about his boycott of the NFL. Friendsgiving you're talking Big Cat's Can't Lose Parlay while your girl's single friend tells the story of the NFL player who hit her up on Tinder.
The event itself may be an eye roll, but it's a necessary eye roll to hang with the boys while keeping your lady happy, and one that has taken over the month before (and even after) the 4th Thursday of November.
So in preparation for the annual gathering of friends in sweaters, I wanted to prepare you for the conversations you'll hear or be a part of for this Instagram holiday.
"I Can't Believe It's Already November Like WHAT"
Yes, the ultimate small talk. This is sure-fire way to get the conversation going. It's hard to believe that, yes, time has continued to move up until this point. This will be followed closely by "2020 has just been a wash of a year". Bonus points if the newcomer boyfriend drops the "November? It's March 242nd".
"You See Chappelle's Show Is On Netflix Now?"
Somewhere between the shock of figuring out it's already November and the brief silence where everyone refreshes their feeds will be the fascinating discussions of what everyone's watching these days.
"I couldn't stand Clare I'm glad she's gone."
"American Murder was soooo fucked up like dude those were YOUR KIDS".
And finally the discussion about Chappelle's Show FINALLY being on Netflix. "I got the seasons on DVD when I was in high school. Can't do that kinda comedy anymore".
"I've Definitely Had The Rona Already"
Not going to have a gathering of people together now without talking about ol' COVID. "Yeah back before the shutdown I swear I did. Had a cough. I was achy. Nose was running. Just wanted to sleep. Definitely had it." This will be met with mostly agreement and nods of people saying "same" while conveniently forgetting that before quarantine was January and February otherwise known as common cold and flu season.
"Should We Play Heads Up or Catchphrase?"
Once the food has been served, the dishes put in the sink, and the sitting around has commenced this question will inevitably be posed. Anything to get those boys to stop watching their college football (GO SPORTS!). It'll last a few rounds before one or two of the guys can't keep focus on the game because of the football on television and the couple who is a little too comfortable making a scene does just that about "HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW GET 'SPORTS DRINK' THAT'S LITERALLY ALL YOU DO". Then the game fizzles.
"Such Bullshit The Bars Close At Midnight"
The sun starts to set and so does the enthusiasm for Friendsgiving. As the clock strikes 6, people start getting antsy. "We makin moves?" the former Sigma Chi asks while slowly and anxiously pacing around the kitchen while everyone else stares at their phone. "We should soon since the bars close so early still. Bullshit."
Then it's a house divided. Most of the ladies don't want to go out, but the guys are ready to keep it going. It's decided it'll be a "boys night" and you have to wait for the guy who is part of the couple who likes to make a scene because he's gotta kiss a little ass before he gets to go out. What starts with great anticipation winds up being a free-for-all shit show and before you know it the bars are closing at midnight and you're alone.
Beside you is your buddy who was arguing with his girlfriend and still currently is while on the phone with her. He says she's on her way to pick him up and offers you a ride but the tension involved in that sounds worse than waiting 30 minutes for a Lyft.
And to think in just two or three short weeks you'll be back at it again for the annual ugly sweater party.