Wolf Blitzer Is The Most Incorrectly Named Human Being On The Planet

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There was a lot going on last night. There were takes - oh buddy were there takes - there was news, everything was happening at once. And yet I couldn't focus on any of it. The only thought that took up every square inch of real estate in my brain was how incorrectly named Wolf Blitzer is as a human being. Don't get me wrong, it's a tremendous name. Very few first names can go toe to toe with fucking WOLF and come out victorious. Blitzer? Outstanding. My problem has little to do with the name itself and everything to do with the profession the name occupies. Wolf Blitzer should have been a Big 10 edge rusher that falls to Day 2 of the NFL Draft because of character concerns and then has a 12 year career for any of the NFC North teams. That's Wolf Blitzer. Not a political correspondent. 

There are plenty of examples of names not lining up throughout history. Dick Trickle opting to become a NASCAR driver instead of an award winning urologist will forever perplex me. Rusty Kuntz never swung and missed harder than when he decided to not open his own OBGYN practice. Milton Bradley should have been the top board game executive in the nation during his prime, instead he squandered his youth playing professional baseball. Fools, the lot of them. 

As for the most correctly named humans to ever grace the Earth? Usain Bolt, Chris Moneymaker, and, the legend himself, Les McBurney.