Game Of Thrones Season 5 Finale - Mother's Mercy Rewind
Ordinarily I hate the idea that a TV show is great if the first 8 episodes stink and the final 2 are good. You shouldnt have to sit through hours and hours of mediocre TV just to get to some good episodes. But in the case of season 5 of Game Of Thrones, I think I’m offering a pass. Episode 8 with Jon Snow and the Whitewalkers and the finale last night went a long way to redeeming this season. The Whitewalkers episode needs no explanation. It was kind of a cheap trick by the writers but after years of teasing the Army of the Dead seeing them in action was incredible and the battle scene was so well done its a no brainer it was a fan favorite. And last night was so jam packed with multiple big moments that it reminded me of Season 4 when every scene the hits just kept coming. Some moments I liked, others I did not, but regardless theres a lot to talk about from last night so lets get into it.
We begin with the best moment from last night’s show:
What a line from this sexy sand snake bitch! That might be the hook on Rihanna’s next song. Thats the Bad Bitches Motto for life. I think Bronn came in his pants on the spot.
Ok now on to the obvious big news from the finale – the death of Jon Snow
I gotta be honest, I thought this was kinda disappointing. I know that nowadays, with how much talk and build up TV gets on the internet, its almost impossible to keeps things a surprise, but this moment was so overhyped and over the past week became so predictable that when it actually happened I thought it was a let down. I mean all the talk that this would be a more shocking moment than the Red Wedding is simply preposterous. As soon as the news from the Game of Thrones camp was that this was going to be “reaction video” worthy everyone immediately assumed it had to be Jon, Khaleesi or Tyrion dying and only one of those really made sense. As soon as you gave it some thought and remembered all those times that little fuck Olly was throwing shade, it became pretty clear it was a rap for Jonny Snow. And my major problem with this “death” being the big finale moment was that everyone automatically assumes he’s not permanently dead. With Melisandre lurking it almost feels like a guarantee she raises him with some Lord of Light shit. Personally, I would love him to be resurrected by the HNIC Nights King and fight with the Whitewalkers because fuck the Night’s Watch. Dumb ass idiots. I wish Jon Snow and a zillion other dead people would run through the camp and devour their ignorant asses. I’m pretty sure its gonna go the Melisandre route but either way, when everyone immediately assumes youre coming back to life, it kinda ruins the shock value of a character death. I guess thats the risk you run with magical shows.
Ah, ah, WOOOO!
And while we’re on the topic of the stupid fucks of the Night’s Watch, can we talk about this little bitch Olly for a second?
Has anyone ever been a bigger pussy about their family getting murdered than this little fucker? Hey Olly, look around bro. EVERYONE’S family is getting murdered. There’s literally not one person who hasnt had their family slaughtered. You’re a member of the Night’s Watch. You live at the Wall. You live in the realm of the 7 kingdoms. Everyone’s parents get murdered like every single day. Why dont you shut the fuck up and realize that you’re just like a 12 year old idiot and Jon Snow is actually busy trying to save the entire goddam world? Fucking hate this little prick. Hate him almost as much as I used to hate Cersei
I dunno how they did it, but they made Cersei a sympathetic figure for me. Probably had something to do with CGI’ing her head on a big pair of jugs and a tight ass but its still crazy to me that the writers have me rooting for Cersei. I used to pray for all the bad things in the world to happen to her, but that High Sparrow dickhead and his stupid fucking nuns are so goddam annoying that I actually started to root for Cersei. Her and Frankenmountain are gonna FUCK SHIT UP. Her fighting along with him is gonna be like Crang inside that exo-skeleton robot in Ninja Turtles.
Sansa Stark continues to have the worst luck on the planet:
What a kick in the dick this was. Brienne has been staring at the fucking window for like 6 straight months. She finally turns away about 1 millisecond before the candle goes up. Also hey Brienne how about a little intuition…just go fucking find her you dont need the candle to give you the green light.
At least Theon finally manned up and helped her out
I guess its kind of hard to tell this dude to sack up when most likely his dick and balls have been completely chopped off, but still. It was time for Reek to give way to Theon and help Sansa. That bitch going SPLAT was fantastic.
Your boy Stannis just gets BURIED after like 5 straight seasons of plotting and planning
I hate Stannis. I cant stand Stannis supporters. He’s such a fucking dickbag. But this scene actually made me respect him. Dude just knew he was totally fucked but went down swinging. If you ask me, this was the most shocking moment of this episode. I really did not see this coming. Stannis has been marching around for 5 fucking seasons and he died in like 15 seconds. Just got absolutely demolished instantaneously. I guess who knows if hes actually dead too since they didnt show it. Also I loved this groan:
Where he was like “I fucking set my daughter on fire for this????? My wife hung herself and this is how it all ends? God fucking DAMMIT. Stannis is scary like when your dad came home from a really really shitty day at work and you knew he was just in a fucking SOUR mood.
8 straight hours of Arya sweeping floors finally paid off
A girl absolutely DEMOLISHED this dude’s head. I dont even remember this guy’s name but after he killed her sword instructor you knew one day he was gonna get his. In a way she was like the microcosm for this whole season. Hours and hours of her doing absolutely nothing being incredibly boring all in exchange for a very satisfying pay off. That dude was pure evil whipping on those little girls and Arya stabbed the fucking shit out of his brain and damn near chopped his head off. Finally crossing more names off that list.
And finally, the worst part of this whole season, this fucking lame ass dragon
This dragon fucking SUCKS. Probably the biggest disappointment of Season 5 for me was how lame Khaleesi’s dragons were. Almost got killed by a few dudes with spears and then he flies away and he’s in a pissy mood and wont fly Khaleesi home. Well congrats man. I hope youre happy. Looks like your mom is about to raped by a thousand Dothraki lookin guys. Thats your fucking MOM dude. You’re supposed to be a bad ass that does shit for her. Moping in that field is not what makes dragons hot man. You’re almost as big of a bitch as Olly.
All in all, I thought a real good finale. Not enough to really make up for the first 80% of the season but still a great episode. I feel like a little bit of this season was stalling since George RR Martin is fucking them with the books. And I suppose those first 7 episodes really set the table for everything that went down the past couple weeks, but sometimes you need less table setting and more dinner. Season 6 should be wild though. This finale left a lot of loose ends but that only promises a dope premiere next year.
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