At 37 Years Old, Ray Lewis Used Deer Antler Spray And Hologram Stickers To Come Back From An Injury Faster Than Anyone Ever Has, Which Totally Explains How It Wasn't Steroids

(Source) Hours after he tore his triceps during an Oct. 14 home game against the Cowboys, Ravens All-Pro linebacker Ray Lewis and Ross connected on the phone. Again, Ross videotaped the call. “It’s bottom, near the elbow,” Lewis said of the tear. After asking a few pseudo diagnostic questions, Ross concluded, “All right, well this is going to be simple. . . . How many pain chips you got around the house?” “I got plenty of them,” Lewis replied.

Ross prescribed a deluxe program, including holographic stickers on the right elbow; copious quantities of the powder additive; sleeping in front of a beam-ray light programmed with frequencies for tissue regeneration and pain relief; drinking negatively charged water; a 10-per-day regimen of the deer-antler pills that will “rebuild your brain via your small intestines” (and which Lewis said he hadn’t been taking, then swallowed four during the conversation); and spritzes of deer-antler velvet extract (the Ultimate Spray) every two hours.

“Spray on my elbow every two hours?” Lewis asked. “No,” Ross said, “under your tongue.” Toward the end of the talk, Lewis asked Ross to “just pile me up and just send me everything you got, because I got to get back on this this week.” Ross says he provided the products free of charge. He even trotted out a novel S.W.A.T.S. technology for the star client: undergarments — black with Lewis’s name and number in -purple — drenched in pungent menthol liquid that Key and Ross exposed to radio waves. All Ross wanted in return, he told Lewis, is for the future Hall of Famer to tell the truth — that he used S.W.A.T.S. products — when he returned to the field. On Dec. 5, Lewis practiced for the first time. He did not play in the final regular-season games, but remained a boisterous sideline presence and joined the jubilant locker room celebration after Baltimore routed the Giants 33-14 on Dec. 23 to win the AFC North.

Ohhhh, my bad guys. Here I was thinking that a 37 year old Linebacker who tore his tricep, an injury that usually takes SIX months to fully heal, only to be back on the field in under 3 months might have been possibly doing steroids or HGH. Silly me. It was just deer antler pills, super high powered rays of light, negatively charged water and hologram stickers. God I feel so dumb.

Honestly though, why the fuck is no one talking about this? I know the un-mentionable with Ray Lewis is the whole “he may have murdered a guy” thing, but why is no one at least looking into this a little more? Are people really buying this? That Ray Lewis just slapped on one of those Nike Ion bracelets they sell at Sports Authority for 19.99 and boom, tricep healed? Its absolutely mind boggling. Look at what a doctor and two different NFL players said about tricep tears right after Ray injured his arm.

(Source) Lewis had surgery Wednesday, and the Ravens put him on injured reserve with the designation that he could return this season. That seems like wishful thinking even if the Ravens make the Super Bowl because, Glashow said, a tendon is not fully healed for three months. That does not include the time it would take Lewis to regain the normal strength in his arm. Berry and Warren both said it took them about six months. Lewis, 37, has made no announcement about his plans since the injury.

So two NFL players both younger than Ray Lewis at the time of their injury took 6 months to fully rehab, then a doctor, you know an actual doctor not a guy who is an amateur sticker collector, said a tricep tear is not ready for rehab for three months , and Ray Lewis started practicing 7 weeks after the injury and no one finds that weird? Oh and he also agreed to retire on his way out? Yeah that’s just Deer Antler pills guys. Totally believable.

PS
I seriously have read this line 10 times and I still don’t understand what the fuck is going on.

“a 10-per-day regimen of the deer-antler pills that will “rebuild your brain via your small intestines”

What? A deer horn makes your stomach tell your brain to rebuild itself? Do I understand that correctly? Who the are these guys kidding?

I mean look at this fucking guy. He looks like on of us. Like a long lost Barstool blogger, not a guy healing NFL Players from MAJOR  injuries.