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Barstool’s ‘Merica (Fuck Yeah) Soccer Update

Sam’s ‘Merica (Fuck Yeah) Soccer Update

1-america

Hola muchachos,

Big week of soccer for our boys and girls in red white and… ummmmm… fluorescent yellow?

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can all agree that Nike has really, REALLY shit the bed with the try-harder-you-can’t white and yellow abominations the USWNT wore against Australia on Monday. Seriously though, with such a great color scheme to work with, how the fuck do you mess up a US jersey that bad?

Yes, okay, great, fine

Yes, okay, great, fine

History has proven that there are exactly two ways to fuck up a US jersey. The first is to make it look like we are being sponsored by Levi’s 501.

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Though to be perfectly honest with you, I can’t even hate those jerseys. I know a lot of people do, and they are welcome to their opinion, and perhaps it’s simply a remnant of the beautiful memories I have of watching US soccer sprout its first pubes during the 1994 World Cup, but I’m not going to lie: I do not hate those jerseys.

So let me backtrack and restate for the record that there is in fact only ONE way in which to fuck up a US jersey, and that is to NOT USE RED WHITE AND/OR MUH-FUCKING BLUE.

I can’t even imagine the amount of time and resources Nike expended on designers and consultants and test marketing (etc etc), and this is the best they could do? If somebody could point me in the direction of the dildo who had the “brilliant” idea to drop red and blue from the jersey in favour of black and fluorescent yellow, that would be fantastic because I would like to kick them directly in the dick/whatever ladies have down there.

[deep breath]

Okay then, we’ve got plenty to talk about with the men, women and wee boys all out there in action representing old Uncle Sam this week, so let’s get to the soccer.

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USMNT

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Wait. Wuttttttttttttttt?

So first and foremost, this was a friendly in which the Dutch were missing some key players (Arjen Robben among them) so let’s refrain from sucking our own sex organs too much, but this was still an impressive win. On the road. Against FIFA’s 6th ranked team (for those who care). If nothing else it should drastically improve our own FIFA ranking (currently 27th – just ahead of Scotland and Tunisia).

Positives:

– MichaelMichaelBradley y’all! FINALLY the type of performance we have all been dying to see from him. Given the circumstance (eg, how long and consistently he has underperformed) and the opponent, this was likely one of Bradley’s best performances for the USMNT. More on him in a minute though.

Best performance since hair

Best performance since hair

– Late goals. The USMNT has made a horrible habit over the past year of giving up late goals, which can be blamed on a lot of things (subs, motivation, fitness, etc), but in an incredible turn of events it was the US who came back from down 3-2 to tie and then win the game in the final 10 minutes. Should give the team a nice boost of confidence.

– DeAndre Yedlin, Danny Williams, Jordan Morris and Bobby Wood off the bench. The former two provided a huge spark when the team clearly needed one, while Morris and Wood spent the precious few minutes they were given running around like strategically inclined madmen. Not to mention there was that (Bradley to) Morris to Wood game-winner.

Negatives:

– Defense. Holy shit, you guys, we sucked. Chicks dig offense and it’s fun to talk about all the goals we scored against the Netherlands, but what really happened is that their extremely egregious problems simply overshadowed our very egregious problems. Put simply: our defense was awful on Friday. Point to a defender and chances are they had an awful game…

Ventura Alvarado? Bad.
Brek Shea? Absent except for when getting torched.
John Brooks? Horrible (apart from scoring, of course).
Timothy Chandler? Too concerned about getting forward to be bothered to play defense. Not a good look for a defender.
Michael Orozco? Inexcusably atrocious.

Conclusion: a nice win that should put a little extra pep in our step going into the Gold Cup, assuming nothing too bad happens in………..

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USMNT vs Germany

So, yeah, for those who don’t know, our last warmup game ahead of the Gold Cup (kicks off on July 7th against Honduras) is against the reigning World Champions in Cologne today at 2:30pm ET on Fox Sports 1.

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Why are we playing Germany? Well, there’s that whole “To be the best you have to beat the best” thing, and there is something to be said for swinging the “heavy bat” (ie, playing some world class European teams) in the on-deck circle before stepping up to the plate with a normal bat (ie, playing Honduras, Haiti and Panama in our group next month).

But the real reason we are playing them is the man-love affair between Klinsmann and Germany coach Joachim Low. Sure, they had a little falling out when JK was leaving the team after they finished 3rd in the 2006 World Cup, but let’s be serious: “Guys that shop at Ze Banana Repooblic together, stay together.”

Definitely showered naked together after games… not that there’s anything wrong with that

Definitely showered naked together after games… not that there’s anything wrong with that

THINGS TO WATCH:

– MichaelMichaelBradley y’all! Germany is missing a bunch of stars – Thomas Muller, Marco Reus, Toni Kroos and Manuel Neuer among them – but they are still stacked with enough firepower to beat pretty much anybody, particularly in the midfield where Mario Gotze and Mesut Ozil are going to pose serious threats. If Bradley can produce a repeat performance like he did last week against Die Mannschaft, it’ll be a fantastic sign for us going into the Gold Cup.

– Our defense. To say I’m nervous about how they will fare is a serious understatement. We gave up three goals to a Netherlands team that (a) didn’t play very well and (b) missed TONS of easy chances. Germany is known for three things:

1) Awkward high fives
2) Beer and snausages
3) Hanging ridiculously ugly numbers on opposing soccer teams

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Prediction: actually, let’s just move on…

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USWNT

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The US women’s team did what the US women’s team always does at the beginning of the World Cup: they start slow and play too many long balls causing people to start to question whether they are any good.

What did we learn from the 3-1 win against Australia?

– THAT is why the coaching staff puts up with Hope Solo’s off the field bullshit. Would she be on the field if she were a guy? Abbbbbbbbbbbbsolutely not. But she is, so deal with it.

– Abby Wambach needs to come off the bench. She is bigger and stronger than pretty much anybody in the tournament (and many others – ie, me) but if she isn’t finishing simple headers – she missed multiple against the Aussies – she is not being productive. Putting Alex Morgan and Christen Press together up top will foment a more fluid offense and discourage the “kick and chase” mentality the team came out with last game.

NEXT GAME: Sweden on Friday at 8pm ET (on Fox)

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UNDER-20s

For those not awake at 3am ET this morning, the USMNT U20 team pulled out an impressive, hard fought 1-0 win over Colombia in the Round of 16 of the little fellas World Cup.

Benedicta Arnoldina?

Benedicta Arnoldina?

Observations:

– Classy finish by Rubio Rubin

– Gedion Zalelam’s poise on the ball is VERY impressive

– HUGE save from goalkeeper Zack Steffen on a Colombia PK with less than 10 minutes to go to essentially save the match. The US had gone down a man on the play leading up to it – very questionable call but US defender was pulling the forward’s arm, which is asking for a bad call to be made – and would have had a tough time holding off the South Americans in extra time.

NEXT GAME: Serbia on Sunday at 12:30am ET (on Fox Sports 1)

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So there it is, Barstool’s ‘Merica (Fuck Yeah) Soccer Guide for your reading pleasure. ‘Til next time…

One for the road

A big’n for the road


Holler,
Samuel U. Army