Alright welcome back to another week of Waiting For Clare To Just Pick Dale And Leave The Show Early Because We All Know That's Going To Happen Eventually! I've really tried my best throughout these first two weeks to somehow forget that we all know where this is headed with Clare but it's impossible. Clare falls hard for Dale, they leave the show together and Tayshia swoops in and becomes the new Bachelorette. I hate spoilers more than anyone but that's so not a spoiler at this point that I'm comfortable putting it in this recap. So now we're tasked with watching Clare go on group dates and one-on-one dates with guys who aren't Dale and pretend to care. It's just bizarre.
Anyway. The episode gets rolling with the remaining guys being shown their new living quarters. I love this part of every season because essentially it's a bunch of guys (or girls during The Bachelor) getting VERY VERY excited at the sight of couches. Just losing their collective minds over pieces of furniture. One of the guys got so excited he popped a bottle of champagne to celebrate the couches. It's the little things I guess.
Then Chris Harrison enters and it appears someone purchased him the wrong size shirt
How do I know that's the wrong size shirt? Because that's exactly how I look in a shirt like that and I don't know how to dress myself. Whoever bought Chris Harrison the shirt should be arrested. Plain and simple. Under no circumstances should me and Chris Harrison ever look alike.
First up is the group date which Clare hilariously starts by telling the camera that she's excited to see all the guys but she really only wants to see Dale. Is it a group date if she's only looking forward to seeing one guy? Seems to go against the definition of a group date but whatever. This date is centered around Love Languages. Full disclosure, I had no goddamn clue what Love Languages were when the date started and I'm still not sure I know what they are.
It started with words of affirmation which meant Clare standing in a tower like Rapunzel as the guys said nice things about her
Dale won that part because she likes Dale the most.
Next up was gift giving so all the guys had to sprint to their rooms and get a random item to give to Clare.
Chess guy gave her a chess piece
Riley gave her a dirty baseball
Ben guy gave her a shirt. He said it was his favorite shirt but that had to be a lie. You never give up your favorite shirt. Ever. Not even if there's a fire
A guy whose name I don't remember gave her a book YUCK
Dale gave her dog perfume which is apparently a real thing
Dale won that part because she likes Dale the most.
The next Love Language was physical touch. How'd they do that? Well seeing that this is the horniest season of The Bachelorette given that all of these people have been cooped up in quarantine for months, they each put blindfolds on and rubbed up against one another like a middle school dance
Dale won that part because she likes Dale the most.
After that came the night portion of the group date and things got extremely awkward. Clare walked out to meet the guys and give an obligatory and cheesy Bachelorette toast before they all rip each other to shreds trying to get time with her and this happened………
CRICKETS. MAKES ME WANNA DIEEEEEEEEEEE. So fucking awkward I wanted to jump out my window. Somebody do something! Somebody say something! Anything! I would've preferred one of them light themselves on fire instead of sitting in that awkwardness. In all my years watching this show I've never seen anything quite like that. Dudes just twiddling their thumbs, staring off into the distance and forgetting they're on a dating show. Thankfully that Harvard asshole Bennett did the right thing (a first for him on this show, yes I still despise him but he was pretty nonexistent this episode) and asked to spend time with Clare. That lasted all of about 3 seconds before Clare's rage bubbled to the surface and she stormed back to yell at the group of guys for making her sit there like Steven Glansberg.
There's two ways to look at Clare's furious reaction:
1. She's making a big deal out of nothing. So the guys screwed up and made a mistake by not jumping at the first chance to talk to her, who cares? It's not the end of the world. Everyone is in a weird spot (ya know, the whole global pandemic thing) and their social skills are a little rusty after spending the last few months staring at the walls in their apartments. Hand up, they didn't do the right thing, but Clare is making a mountain out of a molehill for no reason. Everybody just relax.
2. Clare knows what she wants, she's been on a few Bachelor shows at this point and she's taking no shit this time around. She wants to make sure the guys are there for her and not to play grab ass with the boys. Fran made a really good point during the Chicks In The Office recap where she said Clare doesn't want to be embarrassed and I think that's 1000% true. She knows what people will say if her time as The Bachelorette doesn't work out so she's doing everything in her power to make it work. So by laying down the law early she's letting the guys know this isn't a joke.
I tend to lean towards option #2. Sure it was a bit of an overreaction but that overreaction is happening for a reason. After Clare gets done scolding the group she spends time with all of the guys, including a slow dance make out session with Riley, who eventually gets the group date rose.
Just a heads up, Clare wanted to give that rose to Dale. From this point going forward, every rose belongs to Dale. Even though Riley received that group date rose, it really belonged to Dale. So much so that I think Clare should've handed the rose to Dale and then Dale should've handed the rose to Riley. You know those Subway cards people get that allows them to get a free sandwich whenever they want for the rest of their lives? Dale has that but in the form of roses from Clare. It's hilarious how much more Clare likes Dale more than the other guys. It's not even close. I just don't think she's allowed to give every rose to Dale but she would if she could.
This card might only exist in the Happy Gilmore universe
Next up we have our first one-on-one date and it goes to……….Jason! Jason gets the date card and is immediately given homework. Jason is tasked with writing a letter to his younger self about his feelings and his emotions.
Jason is not a guy who likes to talk about his emotions and his feelings. As you'd expect, the date goes off the rails in a hurry. The two of them read their letters and then go back and forth saying one word that describes a part of themselves they don't like. It was like a rap battle but the point was to diss yourself. Very strange stuff but also very emotional especially for a first date.
And then Jason starts talking about how there's a darkness inside of him and how he doesn't like to talk about it. He says he has demons in his past, demons he's never talked about with anyone. So at this point I'm thinking Jason has killed a man. I'm thinking Jason has killed a man and he's about to confess to said murder on national television……..commercial break. They cut to commercial! Leaving us on the edge of our seats wondering what horrible thing Jason had done in his past.
They come back and it turns out Jason has not killed a man but instead had a rough childhood. Phew. The two of them continue to dance around exactly what it is but it has something to do with his parents being married for many years but not having a healthy relationship. Dark stuff for sure but thankfully not homicide. Clare then burns the dress she wore during the Juan Pablo finale like a Cleveland Cavaliers fan circa 2010 and gives Jason the date rose. What a wild ride.
Next up was another group date and really the main event of the entire episode: Dodgeball.
You wanna know who appears to stink at dodgeball? None other than Clare herself.
That's just not how you play dodgeball whatsoever.
The guys are split into two teams, red and blue. Winner of the dodgeball game gets to hang out with Clare for the rest of the night while the losers have to walk home alone in shame. But wait! Clare adds a twist right before the game starts. It is to be a game of strip dodgeball! Horny Clare strikes again. Clare is trying to see some dick and balls before the day is through.
A game of strip dodgeball commences and leads to outrageous screen shots like this one
Long story short, the red team dominates the blue team. It's a bloodbath.
How naked did the blue team get after their loss? DICKS OUT FOR THE BOYS naked
We're talking naked naked. For real naked. Normally in these circumstances the black boxes are simply covering potential spillage out of a speedo but the black boxes last night were necessary because they were covering up naked swinging dicks.
We're talking dicks swinging in front of Chris Harrison naked
Was it weird? Yes. Was it shocking for an ABC show to have dicks floppin all over the joint? Absolutely. Some people were not pleased that Clare basically told these guys to get naked in front of her but I don't think it's that big of deal. Uncomfortable FOR SURE but I don't think there was any ill intent. Some people were trying to turn it into, "If this were The Bachelor and he did the same thing with women he'd get cancelled" which might be true but sometimes guys just wanna go dicks out for the boys. A simple case of Guys Being Dudes. I can guarantee none of them were forced to take their dicks out. That'd be insane. The guys who wanted to take their dicks out, took their dicks out.
By the way if you ever end up in a spot like this, you've made some mistakes along the way
FYI might wanna just burn those couches and get new ones.
So to the winners go the spoils which means the red team gets to spend the night with Clare getting to know her better. But wait! That's Blake Moynes' music! Blake Moynes, member of the losing blue team, shows up and interrupts Jay's time with Clare. Jay takes offense to this interruption from Blake Moynes and utters, "But didn't you lose?" Which is true, Blake Moynes was on the losing dodgeball team, but do you really wanna be the guy who's like, "Hey bro, you lost at dodgeball so you don't deserve to be here"? I would say no because at the end of the day there are no rules but Jay obviously feel differently.
The rest of guys learn of Blake Moynes' presence after Jay tells them and they all show up to KICK HIS FUCKING ASS BECAUSE HE LOST IN DODGEBALL
Clare quickly defuses the situation by telling them it's fine, she tells Blake Moynes that she appreciates him coming to see her but he has to leave because he did in fact lose in dodgeball. A common theme with Clare so far is that she acknowledges that there are rules that the guys should follow, but she also likes it when guys break the rules. A bit confusing overall but Blake Moynes has been the most consistent rule breaker of the group and it's worked out well for him.
However, Clare then Dikembe Mutombos Blake Moynes' kiss attempt into the cheap seats
Next up we've got Brandon (from the winning dodgeball team) getting his time with Clare and it turns into a full blown DISASTER. It starts out innocently with Brandon telling Clare he was excited when he saw she was going to be The Bachelorette. Simple enough and something we've heard 10 million times on this show but then Clare presses him. She asks Brandon why he was excited to come on the show and meet her to which he counters by saying she is incredibly beautiful. Bullet dodged, right? WRONG. Clare presses him even harder for more reasons and Brandon completely blanks. He couldn't come up with a single thing to say to Clare about why he wanted to meet her other than her looks. At one point Brandon says something about her being from Sacramento and Clare almost decapitates him with her eyes. Brandon is never able to come up with something to say so Clare walks him out. Brandon is done.
This is another scenario where one could say that Clare overreacted, just like during the first group date. And sure, Brandon came off like a babbling idiot who couldn't think of what to say, but does that deserve a first class ticket home? Probably not but again this is how Clare is choosing to run things as The Bachelorette. Make even the tiniest mistake and you're dead. You're outta here. Clare is not here to mess around. So no, Brandon probably didn't deserve to be sent home, but Clare sent a message to the rest of the group and that message is I'll send anyone home at any time for any reason (unless your name is Dale). Personally, I like it. It guarantees that Clare's time on the show won't be boring.
Who got a rose at the rose ceremony: Nobody. There was no rose ceremony. Well except Dale because he has a standing rose at all times.
And that pretty much wraps this up for week 2. How long until Tayshia appears? Who the hell knows but it looks like we've still got a few Clare episodes to get through before then. See you next week.
By the way, make sure to watch our after show Cutting Stems