Complaining. Being annoyed by things. Getting pissed off by seemingly innocent or incredibly unimportant daily events. Basically my favorite hobbies right there. I wouldn’t say I’m a whiner because whiners are the worst, so I just internalize all of it driving up my stress and blood pressure and shortening my life span. But based on all the stupidity and annoyances that happen on a day to day basis that’s not the worst thing in the world.
Anyway I’ve had this blog sitting in the drafts for over a year now – not because I was slowly tinkering with it to make it grammatically perfect, but because I knew that every single day something happened that I would want to add to the list. But it’s the slow news time of summer, nothing going on in sports, a lot of the Barstool guys in meetings and setting up our new office, so it’s probably the best time to throw it up and get the conversation going.
Here are just a few….
1) Environmentally Conscious Hotels
Look I get it. I like the environment. I don’t want trees falling on my head and polar icecaps melting and tsunami’ing my bedroom drowning me in my sleep. I don’t want cute little animals dropping dead with their heads stuck in plastic soda can rings. But if I had to think long and hard about it I would come to the conclusion that the only thing I hate more than those things is having my fucking hand go straight through the fucking negative-four ply toilet paper in the fucking hotel bathroom. Or getting in the Green hotel shower and having 12 little water droplets pitter-patter on my head because of reduced water flow. Or not getting clean towels and fresh sheets every day unless I specifically remember to ask for it because you’re trying to protect the panda bears or something. Fuck the Panda Bears. The Panda Bears don’t wake up every morning of the week and work their ass off to be able to afford a stay in a nice hotel. I do. And I need take a shit, bathe myself and fucking dry myself off. That’s why I paid $350 a night for this room right? To sleep in it and use its shower? How about this? How about I donate some money to the Earth or something out of my own pocket at the end of the year, and you let me have showers that work and toilet paper that functions? Is that something we can agree on?
And while we’re on it, how about fucking recycling? What a racket that is. Could you make it any more confusing guys? Like I got 15 bags of garbage here. I’m trying to get rid of it, not stand in the compactor room for 20 minutes reading signs with 89 bullet points outlining what goes in the blue or green or yellow of fucking purple polka dotted boxes.
2) The fact that Starbucks doesn’t prioritize the Iced Coffee ahead of its other drinks
I guess I could start this one off with it’s own subcategory to head some of the eventual responses off at the pass – people who say that Starbucks sucks. Listen I could give a fuck what their corporate practices are, what they’re doing to local coffee businesses, how they’re monopolizing the industry. I do not care. The coffee is legitimately crack. It’s the direct equivalent of a cocaine high. I need that shit to get through the day, plain and simple. This blog has 2300 words in it – literally no chance I could write that without Starbucks coffee.
So now that that is out of the way, the one issue I have with Starbucks is – how it’s possible they haven’t figured out how to serve you an iced coffee yet? Like who in their right mind thinks it makes any sense at all to do a first come first serve priority line on ordered drinks? The 10 people ahead of me ordered grande whipped half caf mochachinos with caramel swirls and coconut milk. Drinks that require 3 different cups and 4 metal mugs and that fancy steamed milk machine and about 18 minutes of manual labor. I got a drink that you scoop ice into and turn the spigot on for 5 seconds then hand it to me. Fucking give that to me first. It’s basic common sense.
3) People who talk about their dreams
Oh did you have a weird dream last night? Did it not really make sense and it was kind of scary and totally random? You’re talking about literally every fucking dream that every person who has ever gone to sleep before has had. That is what dreams are. Like it’s the dictionary definition. Let me guess…all your teeth fell out. Someone was chasing you and you couldn’t run away fast enough. You had sex with your ex. You were naked in public. Oh my god can you believe I just guessed it? You’re not unique or special, you’re just a standard, living, breathing human who sleeps and has dreams. Save the analysis for your therapist – although I’m warning you, even they don’t give a fuck.
4) People who take the elevator down one floor.
No wonder we have an obesity epidemic in America. If I’m going down an elevator and it stops on 2, the doors open, we all shuffle around to let you in, we wait for the doors to close while pushing an unfunctional door-close button, then go down to 1…I hope it crashes to the bottom of the elevator bank with a gigantic explosion killing all of us inside. Yes my death would be worth it if it meant your lazy ass went with me.
5) People who pay exact change with a line behind them.
What kind of unbelievably poor person pays with coins in 2016. If you plan on paying for your 1 dollar and 77 cent pack of gum by counting it out in coins from your change purse and holding up the entire line please let me know and I will step up and gladly buy it for your needy ass.
6) Company Email Accounts That Send You A Follow Up Email Telling You You Are Now Unsubscribed After You Unsubscribe To Them
It’s really hard to find anything that bugs me more than spam email. My personal Gmail is like my own heavily fortified safe place – I’ve spent hours upon hours setting up the filter on that thing, to the point where if anything not directly relevant to my life sneaks though it ruins my whole day. I basically erased my Barstool email from my phone and stopped ever checking it because the Spam was stressing me out so bad – there could be a job offer from Warren Buffet offering $550K/year to run his new personal edgy, satirical blog with a sports focus in there and I would never know.
If I unsubscribed from your email it’s because I didn’t want that pointless annoying shit in the first place, following it up with another email is just an absolute slap in the face. Hey wait maybe that’s the point?
7) Movie Trailers Showing Too Much Of The Plot
This is an issue that’s been bothering me for years, and I’ve finally started to sense it catching on with the mainstream public (you could say I’m kind of a movie-trailer hating hipster I guess). It’s gotten to the point where if there’s a movie you’re truly excited about seeing, you have to cover your eyes during it’s freaking promotional trailer. “Creed” is the one that immediately comes to mind. You see literally every single conflict, rising action, falling action and climax from the damn movie.
And yes I totally understand why this has become a thing. A combination of the movie industry hemorrhaging money on movies that aren’t superhero-based or sequels with built in fan bases, and the general public being, on the whole, idiots.
RELATED: The Preview Thumbnails For TV Shows On Netflix, HBO Go etc. Showing Spoilers
This is actually 100% worse than the movie trailer one. You can always decide from a movie trailer if you want to save your 15 bucks and just skip it. But when you’re heavily invested in a 7 season TV show that you’re bingeing every single night on Netflix, having any aspect of it ruined for you is the worst feeling in the world. You already have to actively avoid any sort of old websites or Twitter posts or mentions from your friends, having to compete with the shows own preview box is flat out absurdity.
Mr. Robot is the perfect example. Was the twist blatantly obvious from the beginning, and everyone knew it was coming? Yes. But the preview thumbnail for one of the last episodes being Edward Alderson literally sitting on his gravestone was a kick directly to the nuts of the viewer.
Happens with so many shows. Characters who “die” then you accidentally end up on the page for the next season and see them standing there. Wake up streaming services. We won’t even need a shot of the action from the episode. Just put a blank box. We’re watching that shit regardless, you don’t need to sell it.
8) Rolling Stone Magazine
9) People Who Turn Every Post On The Internet Into A Political Discussion
No, that little lion who sounded really cute trying to roar but it came out as a tiny squeak instead does not have anything to do with Obama’s America. Please have fun and smile for once in your life without thinking everything is a conspiracy against the party you vote for.
10) Places That Don’t Serve Heinz Ketchup
Artisanal ketchup with only natural ingredients and a hint of sea salt from fresh farm raised vegan tomatoes does not make me think your restaurant is high class. It makes me think the food I’m dipping into that shit tastes like ass. Fuck you and fuck Sir Kensington.
11) The iPhone Weather App
If anyone did their job as poorly as the iPhone weather app they would be fired and deported. No piece of technology does its function worse. I’m always reminded of those scientists in Italy who were put in jail for not predicting an earthquake. Let’s just say these iPhone weather motherfuckers are lucky they live in the USA.
12) People Who Suck At Airport Security
I’m a firm believer that if you get sent back through the metal detector to do it again you should be banned from flying for 1 month. The fact that you couldn’t mentally prepare during your hour in the line and do a quick check of all your pockets before it’s game-time means you’re a dumb inconsiderate asshole. Yes that’s a little harsh but it’s how I feel. If you don’t understand at this point what can and can’t go through the metal detector and what needs to go into a separate bin you’re a useless member of society and should not be allowed to carry that stupidity throughout the rest of the country.
14) Tangled headphones
We are about a year away from being able to wave your iPhone over your body like a wand and cure the cancer inside of you. Yet Apple can’t produce a pair of headphones that don’t fucking do this.
15) ESPN broadcasting women’s college softball for 8 hours a day for 3 weeks straight during their College World Series
We get it, you’re progressive. Here’s the thing though. Nobody wants to watch women’s college softball. Women’s college softball players’ parents don’t want to watch women’s college softball. It’s just not fun to watch. It’s almost more insulting to women’s sports that you’re blatantly force feeding it to everyone. And if this sounds sexist believe me I don’t want to watch men’s fucking softball either. If your sport is primarily played by fat drunk guys for their software company’s team on the weekends I don’t want a marathon of it on the only channel I watch.
16) Hockey fans who can’t just love hockey but have to tell you how much the NBA sucks
What the fuck is hockey fans’ problem by the way? Is it written in the Constitution or something that you’re not allowed to be a hockey fan without first declaring yourself a sworn enemy of the NBA? I love the NBA and love basketball and grew up playing it and still play and I’ve never played hockey one time in my life. I think hockey’s great and I love watching big games and it’s incredibly impressive what people are able to do on skates. I hold both those opinions at the same time in my little tiny brain.
17) When you’re changing the channel on the remote and one of the numbers doesn’t register so it takes you to some black screen for a channel that doesn’t exist and you have to do it all over again.
Fucking stupid dumbass TV and dumbass piece of shit remote, I paid like a thousand bucks for you, work better.
The worst. If you’re still a Nazi in the year 2016 please kill yourself. It’s not 1944 anymore losers. Move on.
19) People who come online for a distraction because they are bored at work and need something to do and complain that blogs are too long and require too much time and reading.
Little B-Rabbit trick for this blog’s comment section, 8 Mile, ever heard of it.
-Driving. Anything driving related would have it’s own category. I used to have possibly the worst road rage on planet Earth and could fill up 10,000 words on it, but I’m in NYC and haven’t driven in 7 years now so it doesn’t really apply for me anymore.
-The Internet: There are a billion different internet/social media ones that deserve their own blog. Basically, if you use the internet, you’re annoying. Myself included.
That’s all I got for now. I’m sure I’ll have 19 more by the time I wake up.
If you got any good ones leave them in the comments.