"FitBit For Your Penis" Lets You Know Just How Much You Suck At Sex
Independent – Tired of not being able to track the average speed of your thrusts during sex? Well, your problems will be solved with the Lovely – a sex toy that’s been touted as ‘the fitbit, but for your penis’.
Lovely is undergoing crowdfunding at the moment, but if the team manages to raise $85,000 in the next 32 days, they will be able to make the product a reality. They’ve already manage to raise an impressive $9,800 in just four days through their IndieGoGo page.
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Oh perfect! Have you always wanted to see just how bad you suck at sex? Was the elapsed time on the clock, the clearly unhappy and unpleasured girl next to you, and the overall general common sense assessment of the situation not clear enough for you? Did you actually want to see it measured out with stats and charts and algorithms analyzing the exact data of your failures as a man?
Well then does Lovely have a treat for you. Introducing the FitBit for your dick measuring every thrust and pump and using indisputable science to show exactly how horrible you are at fucking. Maybe your girl will even print it out over the wireless when you’re done and slap it up on the fridge as a constant reminder.
However, the Lovely’s real draw comes in its interactivity – Jakub Konik, the founder of the project, boasts that the product contains “built in sensors and sophisticated algorithms”, that can track your movements.
The product can apparently collect all kinds of data about your lovemaking skills – after you’ve finished, the Lovely app connects to your smartphone and provides you with a report, containing information on how many calories you’ve burned, your top and average speed, and even the g-forces you’ve exerted on each other’s respective pelvises.
The Lovely even senses what sexual positions you’ve used, and can apparently tell when things are going well – providing you with handy tips and suggestions on what you should do next time.
Does sound comfy though.
The lovely is a stretchy silicone ring, which attaches around the base of your penis. It also has a vibrator tucked inside, which stimulates both sexual partners.
All I know is I got a FuelBand as a gift and lasted about 3 weeks before I got sick of seeing updates in chart form telling me how inactive and fucking lazy I was and stuffed it in a drawer. Imagine one that proves just how prematurely you ejaculate? No thanks.