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Channing Crowder Explaining How NFL Players Get Sex on the Road is the Funniest Thing I've Seen This Week

Channing Crowder was an inside linebacker for Dolphin for six seasons. And in my wet-brained, foggy memory, a bit of a Patriots nemesis on a Miami team that seemed to save some of their best football for New England. Like that time in 2006 when they beat the Pats 21-0, held Tom Brady to 78 yards passing and sacked him four times. 

But to me, this is Crowder's towering achievement. Pulling back the NFL curtain and giving us some insight into that ages old mystery, "How to pro football players get road beef?" 

Count me among those who just assumed it is simply impossible. Just from a logistical point of view. You fly into a city the day before a game. Go right to the hotel. There are meetings and walk throughs. Followed by bed checks. Where in all that highly regulated, time managed, all business itinerary is a man supposed to do what comes easily and naturally to guys in the other major sports? 

Let Crowder explain. While making things super mega awkward for Fred Taylor, Chad Johnson and Brandon Marshall. 

Crowder: "But they're still getting sex on the road!"

Marshall: "Oh my goodness."

Taylor: "Delete. Delete. Delete."

Crowder: "Then you all ain't lived like I lived, man. [To Johnson] You're talking about, 'If they're on the road and they ain't with their wives,' they're still getting sex on the road! [To Taylor] Y'all ain't got no game, Fred. If you ain't getting sex on the road you ain't got no game!"

Taylor: "I'm just gonna drink. I've got nothing to do with that conversation."

Crowder: "There were women sitting outside of the hotel, all you had to do is go upstairs and come back down. ... The Dolphins was terrible but I could always sneak downstairs by that bar and find me someone smiling."

Marshall: "I’m cutting this off."

Crowder: "When you walked in the visiting team hotel you saw fans lined up behind the little ropes, and behind them there were another row of people. Behind the second row there were girls sitting back there with skirts on. I would sprint upstairs to get my bag in the room and sprint right downstairs."

Absolutely priceless. Another invaluable clue into players' lives you wouldn't get in a 100 seasons of "Hard Knocks." I don't know what's funnier, the way Crowder explains how much he was getting, the pained expressions on the other guys' faces or the way he just keeps digging a deeper hole. He's that single friend of yours with no filter who tells embarrassing tales in front of your wives that the rest of you would rather they not know about. 

Hilarious. Somebody do the country a favor and get Channing Crowder a network job as soon as possible. This man needs to be mic'd up as much as humanly possible.