I gotta tell ya, I don’t know about Phil Mickelson. By all accounts he’s the nicest, most generous dude in the world. I mean he left a $99 tip at that kid’s lemonade stand over the weekend for fucks sake. 99 bucks! Do you know how much money that is to a kid that age? It’s basically a billion dollars. When I was little kid I would play those pull-tab tickets with my uncle and he’d let me keep 50% of the winnings. You know what I’m talking about. Well one time we won $100 so I got to keep $50. I felt like Bill fucking Gates. I bought every candy bar, rented every Blockbuster movie and made it rain singles on the playground. And Lefty just left these kids double that. They can buy the world. That’s quite the gesture from Mickelson and that’s precisely why it makes me skeptical. Nobody is that nice without having a weird dark secret. Phil Mickelson has an across-the-board reputation for being a great guy. What is he hiding? TELL US, PHIL. We need to knock you down a peg or two because nice guys don’t exist in this world. So just come clean.
PS- That girl saving up to buy a Kindle can stop showing off any time now. Ohhhhhhh look at you. You’re gonna put your money towards furthering your education and strengthening your brain. Lame as shit. Be smart and buy a Nerf gun like your brother.