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Old Men Yell At Clouds: What We Missed On Today's Cousins Episode

The Cousins are back five days a week at 9:00 a.m. EDT Monday through Friday on SiriusXM85. I’ll be hosting Mondays and Fridays and Smitty and Trent will be trading off weeks hosting on Tuesdays through Thursdays. 

No one on earth preps more for 55 minutes of radio than Cousin Mike and Cousin Murray. Because we get to about 2% of the material they send in, here is your run down of the best things that they would have liked to yell about but didn’t have time (and maybe a few things they DID yell about but are funny anyway). 

Today, we talked about Trump and Biden’s Town Halls, the future of The Cousins on SiriusXM85, airline food, how Jews don’t go to Home Depot (according to Cousin Murray), and a mayor who resigned after shoplifting at Target.  

Here are some of the stories we prepped for and didn’t get to (and some we did).=

WOMAN RETURNS STOLEN RELICS BECAUSE THEY’RE CURSED

A Canadian named Nicole stole relics from Pompeii in 2005. Ever since, her life has … let’s just say, not gone well. She’s had breast cancer twice and “financial struggles,” which she blames on the cursed nature of the relics. She is in the process of trying to return them to Italy. 

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TRASH BAGS OF MAIL FOUND OUTSIDE PENNSYLVANIA POSTAL WORKER’S HOUSE

Postal delivery specialist Nicholas Beauchene got caught leaving bags of undelivered mail on by the curb. He’s been charged with “one count of delay, secretion or detention of mail and one count of obstruction of mail. He faces a maximum penalty of five years in prison and a $250,000 fine for the delay charge and up to six months in prison and a $6,000 fine for obstruction.” Cousin Mike, of course, has been at war with the Post Office for years, because they keep burning his mail. 

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JAPANESE MAN CALLS COPS BECAUSE HE LOSES AT CRANE GAME 200X

Arcade crane games are a scam. Everyone knows that. Well, one Japanese man got fed up after losing 200 TIMES at the same crane game, and actually called the police. Guess what? The police came in and played the game 300 TIMES WITHOUT WINNING. Scam? Yeah. For sure. How many times do you think you would have to lose to realize something is unwinnable? Probably less than 200

AUSSIE MAN TRIES TO ENGAGE MAGPIE IN CONVERSATION, GETS MAULED

Do not try to talk to a magpie. 68 year old Aussie James Glindemann was eating some Chinese for lunch when he tried to engage a magpie in “conversation” only to be attacked viciously, leaving him injured to the point that he underwent surgery and still has blurriness in his eye. Lesson to be learned? Don’t talk to birds. Cousin Murray, take note. 

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IG MODEL WITH BIGGEST CHEEKS WANTS BIGGER ONES

IG model Anastasia Pokreshchuk has spent more than $2,000 on cheek fillers in four years but thinks they are not big enough. She is obviously a fan of the “natural look.” 

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LEMUR STOLEN FROM SF ZOO

I have questions. What happens in your life where you arrive at the point you decide to steal an endangered species from a zoo? How much preparation goes into the heist? Do you need an accomplice? Do they sell Lemur Chow at PetMart? What’s the penalty for Lemurnapping? How big of a fan of The Penguins of Madagascar are you? Such a mystery. 

PENN MAN GETS HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA BEFORE HIS 100TH BIRTHDAY

Actually a bit of a heartwarming story. Just before his 100th birthday, Albert Montella received his high school diploma at the Granite Run Senior Living. Montella left high school early in 1938 to support his family and enlisted the Navy to serve in World War II. 

Remember, every Monday and Friday, I’ll fill you in on the things that we don’t get to on radio, so you can get a deeper look into the mind of the man who made Dave Portnoy (and his best friend of 50 years and wife’s cousin Murray).