Rate This Drunken Email Sent To Uber At 1 A.M. After A Female Driver Took An Hour And 20 Minutes To Take Me Five Miles

Chris Spags6/08/2015 2:50 PM

So this Saturday I was slated to go to the Belmont with a 40-person party bus full of people leaving from the Financial District. For those who don’t know, I live in Williamsburg in Brooklyn, the hipster capital of the world but also generally pretty accessible to the city because we have a bridge that goes right into Manhattan like two blocks from my apartment. Anyway I got a female Uber driver and obviously that gives me a little pause because I’m human who lives and breathe air and knows some stereotypes generally begin with a degree of truth. Anyway long story short, the driver Maria took us to another part of Brooklyn where one bridge was closed and the other was partially shut down, got us stuck in 45 minutes of traffic, told me I should have told her where to go even though any logical hu[man] would know not to go further away to arrive at the same basic location, and made me 45 minutes late while a bus full of people possibly loudly wished for my death (so approximately 10% more than usual).

Anyway I was busy doing stuff mostly related to blacking out and futilely trying to watch a Triple Crown so I didn’t complain to Uber immediately. But I did once I got home that night and here’s my very dignified and not at all written by a 12-year-old Valley Girl response:

I got refunded back 25$ so obviously Uber — who honestly does have very good customer service even if their drivers sometimes fall short in quality or testicular fortitude — thinks my email is a home run but I’m sure you guys will be more interested in calling me homosexual epithets and lord knows I aim to please.

Rate 1 for “This email is embarrassing but you’re cool Spags so it’s okay” and 10 for “God Spags you’re so dreamy, I love how you speak the language of the people, that truly was SO dumb.”