Today is National Donut Day — classic KFC mush to be in the Bahamas on a day celebrating his greatest food love — and Dunkin Donuts among other chains are giving away free donuts to celebrate. Smart move because they get new people in, local news covers it and gives them press, great for them. But the people waiting in lines that’ll undoubtedly get longer and longer as the day goes on to save LITERALLY $1 are just the scum of the Earth. If they give you a free one because you’re there for a coffee and you’re not waiting around for it, great, you beat the system. But anyone else waiting for these like it’s government cheese? Human waste.
In general I hate people who wait for free things for extended periods of time. Free concert tickets, sports games, entering a contest, whatever, knock yourselves out. But waiting hours for a scoop of ice cream or a donut…do you have no self respect at all? There are basic economic principles of what your time is worth and odds are that no matter how much of a contribution or drain on society you are, waiting in lines over an hour to save $1 on a Boston Creme and a general contribution to your personal obesity fund, I undoubtedly hate you and think you have nothing to offer our fine nation. If you need a donut that badly today, respect yourself and go to the 7-Eleven across the street. Don’t wait in line. And if you do, just know that I hate you and will never respect you.