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I Am Here To Ease Carl's Almond Misery

Crazy Carl has been blogging about the lack of #RE2PECT Almond Joy has been receiving from Twitter as well as the general internet. Read both blogs first so you have an idea what's going on. It's okay, we'll wait.

[Presses play]

Great yet passionate blogs, right? I love when that mustachioed maniac gets going.

Now as someone that clearly knows his way around a confectionary creation (this is both in reference to the massive amount of weight on my human as well as the snacking show I used to have on Barstool (#RIP In Peace)), I wanted to lend my personal 2 cents instead of being another person in the peanut gallery chirping about why Almond Joys rule/suck. Yes, that nut reference was on purpose. I'm not only a good blogger but also a father that is ready to make a dad joke at any given moment.

ANYWAY, there are two major issues Carl is running into in his impossible battle of trying to get everyone to his side of an internet taste battle, which is essentially like herding cats.

1. Many people hated Almond Joys when they were kids because of either the dislike of the texture of the coconut filling or that their parents liked almonds (which could have been seen as "healthy" to kids) which essentially makes is poison in a child's eyes. I understand that many people continue to hate any/all of those parts of an Almond Joy as they grew older. But as someone who grew to love Almond Joys after acquiring a taste for coconut and almonds in my 20s, I would hope people give Almond Joys another shot instead of relying on what their brains decided for them when they were idiot kids. And that's someone who still has an idiot kid brain saying that.

2. Carl, and I suppose Almond Joy's, other massive problem is the competition of this Marry Fuck Kill.

Look, I already admitted that I saw the error of my ways with Almond Joy and am a fan of York Peppermint Patties despite them being coated shitty dark chocolate since I am not a simpleton who thinks mint only works for toothpaste. But Carl stacked the deck against Almond Joy and York Peppermint Patty with an assortment of some of the most legendary candies in the game and pretty much pulled the trigger on both of them himself. 

You can make a case that Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Kit Kat, Snickers, Twix, and M&M's are the Top 5 halloween candies, with 100 Grand being the clear evolution of these greats. There is nothing wrong with the Almond Joy at all. In fact, the Almond Joy has always been perfectly good if not misunderstood. However its haters just were never going to embrace it because they focused on a few things they didn't like about the Almond Joy.

Since this is Barstool SPORTS, I will use a SPORTS analogy. Reese's, Kit Kat, Snickers, Twix, M&M's, M&M Peanut are your Brady, Manning, Rodgers, Brees, and Wilson. Patrick Mahomes is 100 Grand and the moneymaking but always disrespect Almond Joy is Jay Cutler, with the coconut surroundings that didn't do him any favors being the Bears front office that could never put a complete offense and line around him all at once. If you want to hammer this down even further, Jeff George is Mounds with Cutler/Almond Joy being the evolved version of both and the name Almond Jay fits perfectly.

Giphy Images.

Carl, I hope this helps and I'm sorry if this offends.

P.S. Eli Manning is the aforementioned York Peppermint Patty. There are plenty of haters will say he doesn't belong in the same bucket as everyone else but you can't tell the story of halloween without the York Peppermint Patty and you can't tell the story of the National Football League without Elisha Nelson Manning.