Simple questions beget simple answers. I came home yesterday to an industrial size mixed-bag of Halloween candy. Mrs. Carl suggested it could last another 18 days without considering my savagery. Resting on top was an Almond Joy alongside traditional powers: Kit Kat, Reece's Cups, Snickers, Twix, Peanut M&M's, etc. I found that interesting.
"Do I like Almond Joys?" I wondered.
Has my taste for coconut evolved and matured?
3 Musketeers, nowhere to be found. Dark Chocolate Milky Ways also gone. The mix was deep but the fat had been trimmed. Just look at all those 100 Grands.
100 Grands are my favorite.
But alas, my eyes kept going back to the Almond Joy.
What the fuck are you doing here AJ?
Now I know a lot of you are going to have questions about the peppermint patty and rightfully so. But we don't punch down here at Barstool Sports. I'm not going on trial for bullying the biggest loser in the bowl, even if I actually like a peppermint patty.
For now, we want to focus on that Almond Joy:
Two out of Three these days isn't that easy just ask the Chicago Cubs. The fact you can get a 2/3 majority for the Throw It Out crowd obviously says something. The opinion is strong. The room is unnaturally divided. You assholes need some education.
First Off Almond Joy is delicious. It's a candy bar for starters. Really hard to start poking arguments at a full-on Candy Bar. Sure there's some weird candy once you get deeper down the aisle. But when you're talking about the Bar division, it's nearly impossible to think of a good example of a bad candy bar. It's like making it in the NBA. Some players are better than others, but virtually nobody sucks.
Second Off coconut is a delicacy in the Midwest if not most of the continental United States. When's the last time you saw a coconut tree? How often do you eat fresh coconut? Do you not understand the blocking & tackling of Supply & Demand? It should be CELEBRATED that the combination of coconut, milk chocolate and oven roasted almonds exists in a single bar. It's this type of food engineering that gets explained on Modern Marvels. Yet a 2/3 majority of you heathens are ready to blast it into the sun. On principle alone you guys are complete assholes.
Third Off Almond Joy has a unique flavor that cannot be confused or conflated with competitors. Can the same be said for the rest of the bowl? Maybe peanut butter cups but even then you have other peanut butter options available. Everything else is semi-interchangeable except for the Almond Joy. That's a clear-cut standalone differentiated piece of candy and yet it seems you guys just don't give a fuck about that. Makes me sad.
Fourth Off Almonds are nutritious making Almond Joy one of the few candy bars with a rewarding ingredient.
Fifth Off You probably haven't even tried an Almond Joy if you're talking this kind of shit
Lots of trash talk without anyone volunteering to back it up. Funny how that works. Wonder if these tough guys keep that same energy when you're not backed up by a twix or a kit kat? Because it's pretty easy to talk shit with Halloween coming up and you know there's candy everywhere. Pretty easy to call out Almond Joy when you can just run and hide from it. Maybe grow some balls this year and stop relying on your pals in the 2/3 majority. Maybe give Almond Joy a shot for once. Maybe don't be a bitch.
Sixth Off Crisp packaging goes a long way. Probably the easiest wrapper to open and I say that without exaggeration.
Seventh Off I rest on 7
Eighth Off The consistency. Finally the consistency. You get the texture from the coconut that massages your taste buds. The almonds crunching under your molars and really beating up the coconut. Then the chocolate is in there to smooth it out and serve as a river of flavor for the combination of pieces. Nothing overpowers the profile like a caramel or peanut butter. Nobody takes up all the space like nugget or wafer. It truly is a balanced experience and for that reason you should try it.
There is no 9.
Almond Joy Rules.